I haven’t been able to put this to pen until now. I was simply dealing with too much mixed emotions and to many questions towards God. I live a very spiritual life. I don’t know scripture by heart nor can I quote anything, but I just *feel* God everywhere in my life. I know I have read that the more challenges one has, the more faith God is putting in you as he has chosen you for an ultra special mission in life. I feel like he has definitely put me through the wringer! Hopefully I am finally getting it and His purpose for me.
My last entry about my Spiritual Life was about a soul mate. I left many blanks out as I didn’t know where I was in my life. My story keeps unfolding to me so I can keep putting pieces together and writing about it. I wrote that story because of many ‘signs’ I was getting. Let me fill in the blanks...
I finished my soul mate story with a quandry and I meant it. I was devastated when a certain someone walked out of my life BUT I also knew it could not be between us. I knew that from my heart, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. I dreamt about this person at least once/yr. for the last 20+ yrs. and have even tried to locate him a few times, which I had successfully done. My heart just ached to keep a connection with him. One cannot explain the intricacies of the heart. In each dream we would be walking or hiking or just doing such things, but he was always just out of my reach. Always. I would wake up devastated. Now, it is not like I thought about him or obsessed about him. It was just that my heart had a hole in it and whenever I dreamt about him, I would then think about him for a few days after and wonder about him. I would cry. I would wonder why God set me up with my current husband while leaving me still aching for someone else. Yet I knew only God could have orchestrated such a request. So I knew it was meant to be. BUT it didn’t mean I was happy about it. I struggled with it for so long. But God knew better than me and I had to trust in that. Our marriage however was not easy. He was curt with people and had no tact in relationships, but he was extremely loyal and loved me.
So easy to judge others. I had an INFINITE amount of shortcomings of my own and I have been doing major ‘soul reconstruction’ for a long, long time. So many wounds to heal from my past. God is doing major work on me and I am honored for that. Just before leaving on our trip April 2010 and selling our house, while in the motorhome, I saw the Princess Bride...and I cried. She tells him she feels so ‘empty’ without him. Immediately I thought of him. Of how I have never dealt with those feelings properly and they are owning me. I felt rejection and hurt. How can someone hold onto that for so many years? I had searched for him on facebook the odd time with no luck as there were too many people of his name. But THAT day, I remembered his brother who still lived in Edmonton. I searched his brother’s name and put in Edmonton and there, in his friend’s list, I found him. I sent him a friend’s request and he accepted. My heart was afire. We even talked on the phone once. It was heavenly for me. I had no idea where all this was going to go in my healing. We left the Island and went to Edmonton for 8 months. I sent him a few odd emails here and there. I then started telling him that I had been struggling in my marriage for years...but withheld the reason why...that I had undealt with feelings for him.
This went on throughout the summer. By september, I started my writings prompted by an email from a friend about others who find dimes. So I wrote my first story on my dime story. Which led to the others. We were living in the motorhome in grandma’s yard. I just had to release my heart on many issues I have. He being just one. I have had other rejection issues. Then it started. I was finding ‘signs’ of him everywhere. First there was the oatmeal in my cupboard that a friend gave me with his name on it. Then there was the CD case Kara found outside AMA that said Somewhere Out There or something, but gave the sense of being away and the singer’s name carried his last name. Then it was a train we were waiting for and a gravel truck with his last name was waiting beside us. All this in a week. Then there was his son’s name that started showing up. It is a very unique name. Another facebook friend had talked of it, then I saw it as a dog’s name in a movie and a character’s name. Then it was his first name that stared showing up everywhere. All this within 2 weeks. Then it was his occupation showing up in pictures and in emails. Yes I am being vague as I don’t want to expose who he is, yet God was NOT being vague. He was making it very clear who he was talking about to me! All this within 3 wks. I had no idea why all these signs or what God was trying to tell me.
All of this prompted me to write my sacred ‘soul mate story’ as I was on a role of stories and had written about 10 so far. A secret I have kept my whole life. Not dealing with it. Not ever telling Kevin of my pain as I kept thinking year after year it would go away. 19 years after meeting Kevin, the pain was still there...haunting me. Unexplainably haunting me. So I write my story. I begin the process of dealing with this. The DAY after I write my story, I get a facebook post from him saying he was in town and could we meet up. The.day.after. What on earth was God up to??? I have been struggling in my marriage for years because God set me up with someone I didn’t necessarily want, ached for someone I couldn’t have and now it was coming to finally being able to see him since the day he walked away with his bike down the back alley. My heart was so happy. Even as I went up the escalator there was a huge banner with his name on it--was some clothing designer that shared the same name. My heart was so excited. We met at the Mac store at WEM. I got to see his parents, his brother, his son and his niece and nephew. I gave him a quick hug and shook his dad’s hand and gave his mom a hug. I always loved his family. They were such generous and kind people and his mom loved to have people over all the time and his dad was the kindest, gentlest soul. We went out to sit and chat and right then my cousin calls me on my cell phone. She has never called me on my cell phone before. So here I was just about to sit and the phone rings! I could barely talk to her! I kept it short and got back to talking with him.
It was quite surreal and in complete honesty, even with the wierdness surrounding the timing of our meeting, I was just open to enjoying our visit with no expectations that we would even still connect. I didn’t know how much was just in my head and perhaps unrealistically built up, or what was a real heart issue. We talked about Cory as well as his own stomach challenges. This from someone very fit. We talked about relationships, his past one and my current one. I didn’t know why God wanted me to see him and how this chance meeting all happened, but I knew there was some purpose...I just didn’t figure it out till months later.
We parted 2 hrs. later while walking and while his family was shopping. We gave each other one more hug...the hug that I so longed for all those dreams but couldn’t have. It was truly a priceless moment for my heart. I was in tears and not sure how I would even find my way out of WEM. But I did.
That meeting was the start of my whole world turning upside down. I had told Kevin about how I had unresolved feelings for this person a month prior for the first time ever, but know that God had chosen him as my husband for a reason and that I needed time to work all this out. I had no idea exactly how it would work out. I then wrote to him and told him the same story I told Kevin. That I had never dealt with my loss of him in my life even when I knew it could not be. That my heart had a hole in it, and that it often ached for healing. He was taken aback. I was absolutely rebuilding my life and this little secret I had kept from both Kevin and him and the whole world...except an old friend at work who knew this story well...very well. I met with her after this chance meeting. One weekend later to be exact. To tell her that I don’t get it all, but that my heart is so full. I knew that I was not going to be with him in my life, but I just didn’t get it all. My head was a mess. RIGHT after meeting with her, I go to walk into Superstore to get groceries and who enters at the SAME time as me but his brother and nephew I had not seen in 20+ years except for the last weekend. Here I was just thinking about him and I see his brother!! The coincidence blew my mind and messed me up yet some more!! Why on earth would this happen? What are the chances. What was God trying to do to me??
I was a mental case. Shortly after this I went into the hospital with Cory for almost 2 weeks. He was there for me on facebook during this time as we see the western medical system from the same perspective. At this point, Kevin and I were verging on divorce and had been for along time, but this truth coming up was too much. I never told Kevin that I was leaving him, but just that I needed time to deal with all this and that I knew if our marriage was ever to be the marriage it could be, I had to have the truth come out. It was very hard. Then, Cory was thriving on the prednisone and Kevin and I were barely talking. All through Christmas. He had even called me to help me deal with my situation. He wrote me and told me he was honored that I shared all this with him. I ONLY told him any of it because I felt God wanted me to. I even asked him if there was some reason he needed to see me. I just couldn’t figure it out. But he didn’t reply. He kept all his emails short. I was so embarrassed with all that I had said, but I needed to deal with this somehow. It was never like I thought I could be with him. I knew that would be impossible as we lived in 2 different countries, but just couldn’t get what it was all about.
A vein appt. on Jan 4th left me ready to divorce Kevin once again. He had the kids all freaked out while I was gone. Kyle called me screaming into the cell phone. I was sick. What was I married to.
