Not sure of title yet...

I haven’t been able to put this to pen until now. I was simply dealing with too much mixed emotions and to many questions towards God. I live a very spiritual life. I don’t know scripture by heart nor can I quote anything, but I just *feel* God everywhere in my life. I know I have read that the more challenges one has, the more faith God is putting in you as he has chosen you for an ultra special mission in life. I feel like he has definitely put me through the wringer! Hopefully I am finally getting it and His purpose for me.

My last entry about my Spiritual Life was about a soul mate. I left many blanks out as I didn’t know where I was in my life. My story keeps unfolding to me so I can keep putting pieces together and writing about it. I wrote that story because of many ‘signs’ I was getting. Let me fill in the blanks...

I finished my soul mate story with a quandry and I meant it. I was devastated when a certain someone walked out of my life BUT I also knew it could not be between us. I knew that from my heart, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. I dreamt about this person at least once/yr. for the last 20+ yrs. and have even tried to locate him a few times, which I had successfully done. My heart just ached to keep a connection with him. One cannot explain the intricacies of the heart. In each dream we would be walking or hiking or just doing such things, but he was always just out of my reach. Always. I would wake up devastated. Now, it is not like I thought about him or obsessed about him. It was just that my heart had a hole in it and whenever I dreamt about him, I would then think about him for a few days after and wonder about him. I would cry. I would wonder why God set me up with my current husband while leaving me still aching for someone else. Yet I knew only God could have orchestrated such a request. So I knew it was meant to be. BUT it didn’t mean I was happy about it. I struggled with it for so long. But God knew better than me and I had to trust in that. Our marriage however was not easy. He was curt with people and had no tact in relationships, but he was extremely loyal and loved me.

So easy to judge others. I had an INFINITE amount of shortcomings of my own and I have been doing major ‘soul reconstruction’ for a long, long time. So many wounds to heal from my past. God is doing major work on me and I am honored for that. Just before leaving on our trip April 2010 and selling our house, while in the motorhome, I saw the Princess Bride...and I cried. She tells him she feels so ‘empty’ without him. Immediately I thought of him. Of how I have never dealt with those feelings properly and they are owning me. I felt rejection and hurt. How can someone hold onto that for so many years? I had searched for him on facebook the odd time with no luck as there were too many people of his name. But THAT day, I remembered his brother who still lived in Edmonton. I searched his brother’s name and put in Edmonton and there, in his friend’s list, I found him. I sent him a friend’s request and he accepted. My heart was afire. We even talked on the phone once. It was heavenly for me. I had no idea where all this was going to go in my healing. We left the Island and went to Edmonton for 8 months. I sent him a few odd emails here and there. I then started telling him that I had been struggling in my marriage for years...but withheld the reason why...that I had undealt with feelings for him.
This went on throughout the summer. By september, I started my writings prompted by an email from a friend about others who find dimes. So I wrote my first story on my dime story. Which led to the others. We were living in the motorhome in grandma’s yard. I just had to release my heart on many issues I have. He being just one. I have had other rejection issues. Then it started. I was finding ‘signs’ of him everywhere. First there was the oatmeal in my cupboard that a friend gave me with his name on it. Then there was the CD case Kara found outside AMA that said Somewhere Out There or something, but gave the sense of being away and the singer’s name carried his last name. Then it was a train we were waiting for and a gravel truck with his last name was waiting beside us. All this in a week. Then there was his son’s name that started showing up. It is a very unique name. Another facebook friend had talked of it, then I saw it as a dog’s name in a movie and a character’s name. Then it was his first name that stared showing up everywhere. All this within 2 weeks. Then it was his occupation showing up in pictures and in emails. Yes I am being vague as I don’t want to expose who he is, yet God was NOT being vague. He was making it very clear who he was talking about to me! All this within 3 wks. I had no idea why all these signs or what God was trying to tell me.

All of this prompted me to write my sacred ‘soul mate story’ as I was on a role of stories and had written about 10 so far. A secret I have kept my whole life. Not dealing with it. Not ever telling Kevin of my pain as I kept thinking year after year it would go away. 19 years after meeting Kevin, the pain was still there...haunting me. Unexplainably haunting me. So I write my story. I begin the process of dealing with this. The DAY after I write my story, I get a facebook post from him saying he was in town and could we meet up. The.day.after. What on earth was God up to??? I have been struggling in my marriage for years because God set me up with someone I didn’t necessarily want, ached for someone I couldn’t have and now it was coming to finally being able to see him since the day he walked away with his bike down the back alley. My heart was so happy. Even as I went up the escalator there was a huge banner with his name on it--was some clothing designer that shared the same name. My heart was so excited. We met at the Mac store at WEM. I got to see his parents, his brother, his son and his niece and nephew. I gave him a quick hug and shook his dad’s hand and gave his mom a hug. I always loved his family. They were such generous and kind people and his mom loved to have people over all the time and his dad was the kindest, gentlest soul. We went out to sit and chat and right then my cousin calls me on my cell phone. She has never called me on my cell phone before. So here I was just about to sit and the phone rings! I could barely talk to her! I kept it short and got back to talking with him.

It was quite surreal and in complete honesty, even with the wierdness surrounding the timing of our meeting, I was just open to enjoying our visit with no expectations that we would even still connect. I didn’t know how much was just in my head and perhaps unrealistically built up, or what was a real heart issue. We talked about Cory as well as his own stomach challenges. This from someone very fit. We talked about relationships, his past one and my current one. I didn’t know why God wanted me to see him and how this chance meeting all happened, but I knew there was some purpose...I just didn’t figure it out till months later.

We parted 2 hrs. later while walking and while his family was shopping. We gave each other one more hug...the hug that I so longed for all those dreams but couldn’t have. It was truly a priceless moment for my heart. I was in tears and not sure how I would even find my way out of WEM. But I did.

That meeting was the start of my whole world turning upside down. I had told Kevin about how I had unresolved feelings for this person a month prior for the first time ever, but know that God had chosen him as my husband for a reason and that I needed time to work all this out. I had no idea exactly how it would work out. I then wrote to him and told him the same story I told Kevin. That I had never dealt with my loss of him in my life even when I knew it could not be. That my heart had a hole in it, and that it often ached for healing. He was taken aback. I was absolutely rebuilding my life and this little secret I had kept from both Kevin and him and the whole world...except an old friend at work who knew this story well...very well. I met with her after this chance meeting. One weekend later to be exact. To tell her that I don’t get it all, but that my heart is so full. I knew that I was not going to be with him in my life, but I just didn’t get it all. My head was a mess. RIGHT after meeting with her, I go to walk into Superstore to get groceries and who enters at the SAME time as me but his brother and nephew I had not seen in 20+ years except for the last weekend. Here I was just thinking about him and I see his brother!! The coincidence blew my mind and messed me up yet some more!! Why on earth would this happen? What are the chances. What was God trying to do to me??

I was a mental case. Shortly after this I went into the hospital with Cory for almost 2 weeks. He was there for me on facebook during this time as we see the western medical system from the same perspective. At this point, Kevin and I were verging on divorce and had been for along time, but this truth coming up was too much. I never told Kevin that I was leaving him, but just that I needed time to deal with all this and that I knew if our marriage was ever to be the marriage it could be, I had to have the truth come out. It was very hard. Then, Cory was thriving on the prednisone and Kevin and I were barely talking. All through Christmas. He had even called me to help me deal with my situation. He wrote me and told me he was honored that I shared all this with him. I ONLY told him any of it because I felt God wanted me to. I even asked him if there was some reason he needed to see me. I just couldn’t figure it out. But he didn’t reply. He kept all his emails short. I was so embarrassed with all that I had said, but I needed to deal with this somehow. It was never like I thought I could be with him. I knew that would be impossible as we lived in 2 different countries, but just couldn’t get what it was all about.


A vein appt. on Jan 4th left me ready to divorce Kevin once again. He had the kids all freaked out while I was gone. Kyle called me screaming into the cell phone. I was sick. What was I married to.

Why this blog?

I have many, many stories. I don't know if everyone has such stories and would love to know. But I certainly have my share of heartfelt, God-inspired ones. I want to write from my heart as inspiration serves me. I had been collecting them, and will now post them here.

God Does Take Care of You

had received a back injury when I was 15 years old.  I was listening to the radio that said the Coast Terrace Inn was having a free fitness day to come try out their equipment--little did I know at that time that I would be paying for that 'free' visit for 15 years!  
 
You see, I had a big, built, steroidal guy show me the ropes.  I was insecure and shy.  When he showed me how to stretch out my legs in front and try and reach forward, I did not go down far enough and he pushed down on my back till I touched my legs.  I felt the pain immediately.  It was unbearable.  This was the start of a 15 year journey of horrible, horrible back pain.  I saw more doctors and specialists and wore back braces you name it.  It was so bad at times, I couldn't even walk.  It was like my back detached from my legs and it just didn't work.  The challenge with a back injury is that you don't look injured.  I had such a hard time at Superstore as it was so hard for me to stand and work and I had to miss a fair bit of time.  The supervisor was not understanding about this and she didn't hide it.  
 
However, when I was doing things I enjoyed like karate or mountain biking, or cycle touring, I could tolerate the pain--it was still there, but I loved what I was doing so much, that I just pushed through the pain day in and day out.
 
Then I got pregnant.  I did get a new side hip pain that I had to quit work for a bit early.  BUT, my 15 years of back pain came to an end.  Gone.  Just.Like.That.  Wow!  I thought I would have to live with that forever, and God gave me a child and took away my pain so that I could care for him to my utmost capacity.  I am now very aware of Cory's pain and how debilitating pain can be as I lived with it for so long.  I can empathize with anyone who has chronic pain.  It appears that God has put me on this planet to be a compassionate, understanding soul by allowing me to have so much pain.  I best start putting this gift to use.

Listen to your inner voice-God is trying to tell you something

I took Cory weekly to gymnastics.  He enjoyed it and I wanted him to have a good activity.  He was 4 when he started.  There was a day however that I would find out later was the start of the greatest and most challenging journey of my life.  
 
On this day, the children were sitting in their circle as they always did before class with me sitting upstairs watching from above.  I noticed a child coughing with the worst cough I had ever heard.  God spoke to me.  He literally was screaming at me to get Cory out of there.  I have NEVER felt such an urge to leave!  It was unbearable.  But I argued back.  I couldn't just go down there and pull him in front of all these people!!  So this bantering went back and forth and I was shaking with fear.  I just felt strongly that I was to take him and leave.  That was friday.  By sunday he was getting the sniffles and by monday he couldn't walk normal.  He was limping very strangely to the one side with horrible pain.  It was the oddest thing.  This was the start of what has turned out to be one of the scariest things I have had to deal with...and believe me, I have had my share!  
 
Next time your inner voice speaks to you, by all means LISTEN and ACT and save yourself the angst.

Up In Smoke

My grandfather and I used to play this particular game every night at dinner.  He knew I was repulsed by butter.  So he would always offer it to me, and always slide it in front of my plate.  This went on forever.
 
One day, when I had moved out on my own with Kevin, I was frying up some butter.  I noticed that it started smoking as I obviously must have had the heat up so high.  I remember thinking that this was a rare occurence as I usually pay good attention to it.  Within an hour I got a phone call.  Apparently my grandpa had gone to the hospital due to a minor heart attack.  When everyone left his room, without saying a word, he left the earth...right when my butter would have went up in smoke.

Evenings With Grandpa

I lived with my grandparents for about 3 years while I went to University.  My grandfather never wasted his words and when he spoke, it was either important, or witty.  Apparently, he never spoke till he was 5.  The stories go that they had taken him to some 'witch' in Ireland who pulled out his tongue, looked at it and said that this boys was just fine and would speak when he was good and ready.  And so it was.
 
My grandfather taught me everything I needed to know about finances evenings after supper.  We truly don't learn enough in schools.  I learnt about investing and he actually got me some AB Bonds which back then were 14%.  He taught me how to do my own income taxes saying that I needed to learn to understand how money is made and how the government takes it share.  He taught me about the stock market and all the terms that go with that.  He taught me about mortgages and interest rates and saving etc.  Without him, I would never had saved that first $1000 to buy a bond.  I saved $5000 over the years only to cash it in when Kevin and I wanted to buy our first house.  He also had $5000 in a life insurance policy his parents took out for him.  By buying and selling real estate, we took that meager $10 000 and made it into a whole heck of a lot more.  I have been told I should be a financial advisor by financial advisors and that I should be a realtor by realtors.  But, alas, it doesn't interest me THAT much!
 
I owe all my current wealth to my grandfather.  The fact that at this moment, I don't have to work, I can homeschool my kids, I can spend the time researching options for Cory that I would not otherwise have time for.  All this a gift--a gift of knowledge--of course I had to DO something with the knowledge for it is useless without ACTION.  But I took my training to real life, applied it and succeeded.  I could have been way more successful financially, but chose family instead.  Once I learnt how to win at the 'money game', I was no longer interested in focusing on it so much.  I know how to play my cards to work the least to maximize the most.  Of course, anything can happen in life, but with the knowledge grandpa taught me, I understand how to manage my money...something that every school should teach their children.   Of course, at today's house prices, the amount I have is peanuts, but with my creativity, I can continue to live a life without the 9-5.  There is no greater gift he could have given me.  I put his cherished words to good use.