I have been updating this as I didn't realize I hadn't put all the ones on my FB posts on here. So I put the dates so that I will remember when I wrote them. Because I made all these public, I have left out one teeny, tiny...actually WHOPPING detail. I have NEVER been happy in my marriage. Never. You read the soulmate story. Well, we have struggled constantly. We have not shared a bed for the majority of our marriage. I was just too hopeful that it would turn itself around. I never told anyone but a few select people. I never searched for other men. It wasn't about that. I was trying to do the right Christian thing. I was trying to make this work no matter what.
But, since turning 43 and going through my raw food cleanse, I have decided I cannot live this lie. Even if it means it is truly difficult for me. I realized I was only holding onto Kevin to have him help me with housework and the kids. THis is wrong. There is no marriage. And for me, there has never been love. I trusted on God that day way back when that he chose him on that day that I had the blind date with him. I have grown and learnt a lot, but I feel my life has never had flow to it. I have struggled unnecessarily. I am doing this for the kids and myself. Shylo said she felt a heart chakra blockage. She asked if he ever had heart trauma...wow...just like what I had read about people getting arthritis and other ailments due to such a thing. I told her emphatically yes! Then I told her about the impending divorce. I am feeling SO freeing with all this as I meet amazing people and am FINALLY being real and true and AUTHENTIC!! Wow!!! What a feeling! I am seriously on cloud nine with this. I don't even fear the challenges to come. I will cope. God will provide. He always, always does in magnificent ways. He already has.
In a very peculiar chain of events I have someone to correspond with currently. Someone who warms my heart beyond belief. Someone who is giving me faith, hope and love. What more could I ask. I am being cautioned by well meaning friends, but I feel that he is sincere. We seem to have a lot of life dreams and goals and work ethic and desires in common. We are both passionate souls. We are both compassionate and sensitive souls. I am in awe. I am just enjoying the moment and not worrying about the future. I want to make it VERY clear that I did NOT meet him till AFTER Kevin told me at the beach one day that this was over and he was leaving for the month of October. Then Michael face booked me and I was well aware of the new love in his life, but he shared with me that they met on match.com. I decided to go on. I waited till I had 4 emails before paying to see what they said.
Little did I know that one little email from a well-intentioned soul would lead to where it has. I have no idea where this will go, but right now I have fallen pretty heavy. I will be ok if it just doesn't work out. Ok, that is a lie. I would be completely devasted if it doesn't work out. But...I would, like always get over it. BUt...here is the next interesting clincher. I had asked God when I turned 43 to provide me with a man who was a GOOD communicator foremost, caring, sensitive, compassionate, has tact, passionate in and out of bed, driven, hard-working, good role model for my children, easy going, not into sports and not a big social butterfly whose time I have to share constantly...and I got that. All that and more. I sure changed what I thought was important from 20 yrs ago. THat is why I am so certain this WILL work! I asked God!! He BLOWS my mind!! He truly answers prayers!! He is SO in my life I can barely speak. I am in awe and moved. And to THINK that Michael was a conduit for me meeting this man. What an interesting story. I SO love my stories!! Life is like a puzzle that eventually has all the pieces come together. I stayed with a man I didn't love and now I am already in love with this one and I have never met him. But if he is all he says he is, then he has my heart. There is no doubt about it. We seem to want the same things. I had such butterflies and at church last sunday Sandy prayed over my situation and my butterflies went away instantly. God just baffles me. I have been calm ever since and simply high on God.
And just a little extra to this story...I took a Laughter Yoga class and we played this game where we had to pull cards out of a deck and say out loud what it was with a phrase at the end. THe group chose 'in the bedroom'. My card said this..."You will meet your soul mate in the next 60 days"...in the bedroom. OK the bedroom thing was just fun, but the soul mate part blew my mind!!! And being the 2 passionate souls we are, I think we will quite enjoy the time 'in the bedroom' once we get to know each other. He is a lovely build. Strong. He says he could pin me down wrestling...I told him I know self defence and can get out of any move...we shall see. Oh the fun. His biggest desire is to have a long, deep committed relationship and that is mine as well. He even wants to tour the US by bike. I still have all my cycle-touring gear. He wants to travel Europe esp. Italy. SHelley and Eddie and Tammy and Peter just got back from there and enticed me so about it. He likes camping and fishing and traveling backroads...so do I. He loves sunset with a lover...sunsets are my favourite. I am just so blessed.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Reflections
Friday, June 3, 2011 at 11:43pm
Upon reflection on our one year of no home ownership and simple living and traveling, I have learnt a few things. I had dreamed of owning nothing for years and just traveling. I also however, had an equally conflicting dream of having a homestead property and a large family and being self-reliant. Canning, pickling, fermenting, growing, etc. etc. To have two equally opposing dreams is quite challenging. In addition to that, I wanted to go to a 3rd world country to live. I always trusted however that ultimately God would decide my route. And boy has He!! I had one idea for our 1 year off, and He had another. Turned out to be a caregiving, helping time. Which, I have always wanted to do in my heart anyways and as challenging as it was, it was the MOST fulfilling thing to do. Helping my grandma and my aunt and my son and visiting many people and trying to bring people together for parties. When that was taken care of and we were on our way, all was good. Seeing new things is very exciting and awakens the senses.
Challenge is, especially with an ill child, that life still goes on in a very small space and is harder work than in a house. I was finding I wasn't enjoying the small space as much as I thought I would. I DID love meeting all the new people however. So many like-minded people were at Sam's where many people come for ailments and who just have open minds to alternative ways to live life. So many great conversations while hanging out in the hot tubs half naked. Loved the heat, the new smells, the views, the new sounds of the birds...but, after awhile, it all becomes routine and the daily tasks that are harder in a small space, take extra long to do. You think because you have less space, that you have more time...for some reason, this is not true. There was lots of time to reflect on wants and needs of the whole family. Which new directions to take. Always having Cory and the children as our #1 priority over any personal needs and desires.
Returning to Canada and exploring different areas for living. Do we go back to Edmonton near old friends and family? Do we try out the Okanagan? Do we go back to Grand Forks or some other small BC town? We said we wouldn't go back to the island....hmmmm...So here we sit. Back on the island. Determined to go somewhere new like Duncan or Courtenay/Comox spending days looking for houses, I happened across my post office manager who suggested Coombs. What??!! I never thought...so I find a house online and I just KNEW that was it...I felt something with it. I had seen hundreds online and they were all blah, blah, blah. No character, no charm, no calling. This one, with the alpaca neighbor, just felt right. I didn't think we would spend 9 mos. of our year off caregiving...but God had other ideas. I didn't think we would end after a year and buy a house right back where we came from...but it just feels right. I love my Naked Naturals, and the Art Gallery and my Quality Foods, Amrikkos East Indian, and the Thai restaurant with my favorite Phad Sauce dish, and Coombs, and the beach and the small town feel, and the library, and Cathedral Grove and Qualicum Beach and the friendly people and familiar faces and proximity to Tofino and Nanaimo and Courtenay, yet nestled away on our own land to create our own work in creative ways.
Close to Vancouver and Bellingham where new friends can be visited easily. I truly love the Island and I now have travel out of my system. I just want to get back to creating things, healing us sickies, with big dreams now of creating healthful-living retreats and growing most of our food. Who knows what the winter will bring and if we will just cosy up to one of our two fireplaces, or if we will fly off somewhere sunny for a part of it. All I know, is that as difficult as it sometimes was, it was equally rewarding and SO much was learnt and discovered in this year that helped to clarify the direction of my life now. This newfound focus and desire will help to create wonderful things. I will no longer have this dual-dream. You must choose a dream and DO IT!! Just DO IT! Only then can you create another dream...and another...and another! I learnt early on to take alot of free time to seemingly stare into space and do nothing. But this is when I am most productive. This is when I am dreaming and creating and fine-tuning and deciding the importance of goals in my life and which goals need precedence etc. My planning course in Rec. Admin. turned out to be one of the best I took. He taught me how to plan and how to ACT on the plan. That no plan is a plan without the last and most important step: ACTION!! He says this is where the majority of people fail. They get a goal and objectives and go through all that with a mission statement, but then...kaput. I am happy that I took that course in that he taught me to do the final step. To act on my dreams and to do what I want. It is only then can one achieve absolute and complete happiness.
I studied karate, traveled to Ireland to see birthplace of my grandfather, became a top selling travel agent and got to see Bahamas and Jamaica and the high end resorts there. Got every animal you can get, had 3 children, got married, bike toured extensively and soared down a mtn. pass at 75km/hr, saw the sunrise on Haleakala Crater, achieved honors and multiple grants and scholarships, achieved the highest mark ever given by the Dean of Recreation Administration for a research paper, got top sales as an insurance rep. in 3 categories, designed bike paths in Spruce Grove, volunteered for the sexual assault center, went to Quebec for 6 wks to learn french, learnt to sea kayak, learnt to rock climb, ran 2.5 hrs. straight just because, saved my mom's life because I took the time to take a first aid course, taught self defence and taught women empowerment and how to break boards, befriended immigrants and helped them integrate into society, laughed lots, met a couple soul-mates in my time, both female and male, sold everything I owned, risked everything many times, toured most of the US.
All this despite a life of being beaten, told I was stupid and worthless, and feeling completely rejected and unloved for pretty much the first 30 yrs. and losing my mom at a young age...probably THE toughest thing of all.. I think we all need to go through and do a list like this as it shows you how many of your dreams you have accomplished, despite any shortcomings, and if not dreams, then how many positive things you have done in your life and what you have yet to do. For me that would include being an inspiration to others, curing Cory and myself and then helping others, teaching about health, living a life in synch. with simple living and healthy lifestyle, increasing my fitness level, getting involved with immigrants again, doing japanese homestays again, opening my house up to travelers again, landlording again, learning spanish and japanese, learning healthy and delicious recipes, building a cob oven and wall outside, learning about permaculture, meeting many new like-minded people, biking more again, visiting the OUR ecovillage in Shawnigan for a workshop, doing a cob workshop, doing a raw food workshop, continue to find dimes that inspire me beyond words, give more and want less, staying true to my values of minimalism and no unnecessary consumption, love unconditionally...SO many things, always changing, being completed, so exciting. Life should NEVER be boring. Even the most mundane tasks of homemaking are never a bore with children around. I am so grateful to God for all this year, and my life as a whole, has taught me and am SO excited about the year to come.
Upon reflection on our one year of no home ownership and simple living and traveling, I have learnt a few things. I had dreamed of owning nothing for years and just traveling. I also however, had an equally conflicting dream of having a homestead property and a large family and being self-reliant. Canning, pickling, fermenting, growing, etc. etc. To have two equally opposing dreams is quite challenging. In addition to that, I wanted to go to a 3rd world country to live. I always trusted however that ultimately God would decide my route. And boy has He!! I had one idea for our 1 year off, and He had another. Turned out to be a caregiving, helping time. Which, I have always wanted to do in my heart anyways and as challenging as it was, it was the MOST fulfilling thing to do. Helping my grandma and my aunt and my son and visiting many people and trying to bring people together for parties. When that was taken care of and we were on our way, all was good. Seeing new things is very exciting and awakens the senses.
Challenge is, especially with an ill child, that life still goes on in a very small space and is harder work than in a house. I was finding I wasn't enjoying the small space as much as I thought I would. I DID love meeting all the new people however. So many like-minded people were at Sam's where many people come for ailments and who just have open minds to alternative ways to live life. So many great conversations while hanging out in the hot tubs half naked. Loved the heat, the new smells, the views, the new sounds of the birds...but, after awhile, it all becomes routine and the daily tasks that are harder in a small space, take extra long to do. You think because you have less space, that you have more time...for some reason, this is not true. There was lots of time to reflect on wants and needs of the whole family. Which new directions to take. Always having Cory and the children as our #1 priority over any personal needs and desires.
Returning to Canada and exploring different areas for living. Do we go back to Edmonton near old friends and family? Do we try out the Okanagan? Do we go back to Grand Forks or some other small BC town? We said we wouldn't go back to the island....hmmmm...So here we sit. Back on the island. Determined to go somewhere new like Duncan or Courtenay/Comox spending days looking for houses, I happened across my post office manager who suggested Coombs. What??!! I never thought...so I find a house online and I just KNEW that was it...I felt something with it. I had seen hundreds online and they were all blah, blah, blah. No character, no charm, no calling. This one, with the alpaca neighbor, just felt right. I didn't think we would spend 9 mos. of our year off caregiving...but God had other ideas. I didn't think we would end after a year and buy a house right back where we came from...but it just feels right. I love my Naked Naturals, and the Art Gallery and my Quality Foods, Amrikkos East Indian, and the Thai restaurant with my favorite Phad Sauce dish, and Coombs, and the beach and the small town feel, and the library, and Cathedral Grove and Qualicum Beach and the friendly people and familiar faces and proximity to Tofino and Nanaimo and Courtenay, yet nestled away on our own land to create our own work in creative ways.
Close to Vancouver and Bellingham where new friends can be visited easily. I truly love the Island and I now have travel out of my system. I just want to get back to creating things, healing us sickies, with big dreams now of creating healthful-living retreats and growing most of our food. Who knows what the winter will bring and if we will just cosy up to one of our two fireplaces, or if we will fly off somewhere sunny for a part of it. All I know, is that as difficult as it sometimes was, it was equally rewarding and SO much was learnt and discovered in this year that helped to clarify the direction of my life now. This newfound focus and desire will help to create wonderful things. I will no longer have this dual-dream. You must choose a dream and DO IT!! Just DO IT! Only then can you create another dream...and another...and another! I learnt early on to take alot of free time to seemingly stare into space and do nothing. But this is when I am most productive. This is when I am dreaming and creating and fine-tuning and deciding the importance of goals in my life and which goals need precedence etc. My planning course in Rec. Admin. turned out to be one of the best I took. He taught me how to plan and how to ACT on the plan. That no plan is a plan without the last and most important step: ACTION!! He says this is where the majority of people fail. They get a goal and objectives and go through all that with a mission statement, but then...kaput. I am happy that I took that course in that he taught me to do the final step. To act on my dreams and to do what I want. It is only then can one achieve absolute and complete happiness.
I studied karate, traveled to Ireland to see birthplace of my grandfather, became a top selling travel agent and got to see Bahamas and Jamaica and the high end resorts there. Got every animal you can get, had 3 children, got married, bike toured extensively and soared down a mtn. pass at 75km/hr, saw the sunrise on Haleakala Crater, achieved honors and multiple grants and scholarships, achieved the highest mark ever given by the Dean of Recreation Administration for a research paper, got top sales as an insurance rep. in 3 categories, designed bike paths in Spruce Grove, volunteered for the sexual assault center, went to Quebec for 6 wks to learn french, learnt to sea kayak, learnt to rock climb, ran 2.5 hrs. straight just because, saved my mom's life because I took the time to take a first aid course, taught self defence and taught women empowerment and how to break boards, befriended immigrants and helped them integrate into society, laughed lots, met a couple soul-mates in my time, both female and male, sold everything I owned, risked everything many times, toured most of the US.
All this despite a life of being beaten, told I was stupid and worthless, and feeling completely rejected and unloved for pretty much the first 30 yrs. and losing my mom at a young age...probably THE toughest thing of all.. I think we all need to go through and do a list like this as it shows you how many of your dreams you have accomplished, despite any shortcomings, and if not dreams, then how many positive things you have done in your life and what you have yet to do. For me that would include being an inspiration to others, curing Cory and myself and then helping others, teaching about health, living a life in synch. with simple living and healthy lifestyle, increasing my fitness level, getting involved with immigrants again, doing japanese homestays again, opening my house up to travelers again, landlording again, learning spanish and japanese, learning healthy and delicious recipes, building a cob oven and wall outside, learning about permaculture, meeting many new like-minded people, biking more again, visiting the OUR ecovillage in Shawnigan for a workshop, doing a cob workshop, doing a raw food workshop, continue to find dimes that inspire me beyond words, give more and want less, staying true to my values of minimalism and no unnecessary consumption, love unconditionally...SO many things, always changing, being completed, so exciting. Life should NEVER be boring. Even the most mundane tasks of homemaking are never a bore with children around. I am so grateful to God for all this year, and my life as a whole, has taught me and am SO excited about the year to come.
God Does Take Care of You.
I had received a back injury when I was 15 years old. I was listening to the radio that said the Coast Terrace Inn was having a free fitness day to come try out their equipment--little did I know at that time that I would be paying for that 'free' visit for 15 years!
You see, I had a big, built, steroidal guy show me the ropes. I was insecure and shy. When he showed me how to stretch out my legs in front and try and reach forward, I did not go down far enough and he pushed down on my back till I touched my legs. I felt the pain immediately. It was unbearable. This was the start of a 15 year journey of horrible, horrible back pain. I saw more doctors and specialists and wore back braces you name it. It was so bad at times, I couldn't even walk. It was like my back detached from my legs and it just didn't work. The challenge with a back injury is that you don't look injured. I had such a hard time at Superstore as it was so hard for me to stand and work and I had to miss a fair bit of time. The supervisor was not understanding about this and she didn't hide it.
However, when I was doing things I enjoyed like karate or mountain biking, or cycle touring, I could tolerate the pain--it was still there, but I loved what I was doing so much, that I just pushed through the pain day in and day out.
Then I got pregnant. I did get a new side hip pain that I had to quit work for a bit early. BUT, my 15 years of back pain came to an end. Gone. Just.Like.That. Wow! I thought I would have to live with that forever, and God gave me a child and took away my pain so that I could care for him to my utmost capacity. I am now very aware of Cory's pain and how debilitating pain can be as I lived with it for so long. I can empathize with anyone who has chronic pain. It appears that God has put me on this planet to be a compassionate, understanding soul by allowing me to have so much pain. I best start putting this gift to use.
Sept. 27/2010
You see, I had a big, built, steroidal guy show me the ropes. I was insecure and shy. When he showed me how to stretch out my legs in front and try and reach forward, I did not go down far enough and he pushed down on my back till I touched my legs. I felt the pain immediately. It was unbearable. This was the start of a 15 year journey of horrible, horrible back pain. I saw more doctors and specialists and wore back braces you name it. It was so bad at times, I couldn't even walk. It was like my back detached from my legs and it just didn't work. The challenge with a back injury is that you don't look injured. I had such a hard time at Superstore as it was so hard for me to stand and work and I had to miss a fair bit of time. The supervisor was not understanding about this and she didn't hide it.
However, when I was doing things I enjoyed like karate or mountain biking, or cycle touring, I could tolerate the pain--it was still there, but I loved what I was doing so much, that I just pushed through the pain day in and day out.
Then I got pregnant. I did get a new side hip pain that I had to quit work for a bit early. BUT, my 15 years of back pain came to an end. Gone. Just.Like.That. Wow! I thought I would have to live with that forever, and God gave me a child and took away my pain so that I could care for him to my utmost capacity. I am now very aware of Cory's pain and how debilitating pain can be as I lived with it for so long. I can empathize with anyone who has chronic pain. It appears that God has put me on this planet to be a compassionate, understanding soul by allowing me to have so much pain. I best start putting this gift to use.
Sept. 27/2010
Confused...yet unstoppable Oct. 5/2010
Seems to be a theme in my life. I would have preferred a different theme, but alas, this chose me. I remember many times in my life where I just get near anyone, and something that was always simple, seemed to not be working. I started saying that it was me, I have the ability to not only be confused, but to confuse all those within a 10' radius, and I would apologize for the inconvenience my spreading confusion had on them. Which only made them look at me very strangely, and even more confused.
I remember being in karate and being at the water fountain, and Daryl said to me, 'Shelley, quite honestly, I don't know how you even get by in life'. Of course I would just laugh. I had the ability to be standing the opposite direction facing the whole group during a kata and wondering how I botched that up...then I would sheepishly look over at my Sensei who would almost roll his eyes and simply tell me to turn around. But, I was very determined, and I was very good at the sport--confused or not!
I think the phrase I used the most in life was, 'I don't get it'. Which I would then proceed to ensure that no one else got it either. Once again, I am in that life place of 'I don't get it'. This time the topic isn't particularly funny. My son is very, very ill. He has been diagnosed with progressive myopathy, given a wheelchair, then diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, then juvenile arthritis with sacroiliitis with IBD, but then I cured the diarrhea, so they sent a blood test to California that said no IBD, even though a previous colonoscopy said small dotted ulcerations throughout. Yet this is an 11 yr old weighing in at a whopping 45 lbs. How can they look at one blood test and say no GI issues...
We are put on a waiting list for an MRI for the small intestine that was to take one year. WE wait as we always do. A year passes and I call to see and all I get is, "I'm afraid he never made the list, it will be 14 mos. now." I said nevermind, we are leaving BC for now and I will deal with it in AB. He starts getting worse in Jan. 10, so I beg for an x-ray. Both the GP and the Pediatrician say no. When do they ever say no to x-rays and when do I ever beg... He ends up with chest pains and I take him to emergency, and I BEG the doctor to x-ray his sacral area as well. They do. The results show all is FINE. So, despite new back pains, I feel relieved. This was March '10. On April 20, 2010, the day the dollar reached par with the US, the oil rig blew up in the Gulf, and 4/20 was taking downtown Vancouver by storm, we go to the hospital for an appt. Dr. Turner, the ped. rheum. there says Cory must have an x-ray...I had to 'laugh' as I had been begging for months for an x-ray that no one would give me (and I detest radiation so you know how important it was to me), and I told her, 'no problem, we just had one done last month and all was fine and they can send it to you.' She insisted on doing another. I was not happy. We argued. I gave in. One month later I get a letter in the mail just prior to leaving for AB that he has very, very severe destruction of his SI joints, his trochanter, and has bone spurs in his hip area and needs to start Remicaid treatments immediately.
What?? Just a month ago the x-ray was 'non-remarkable'. I was shocked to say the least. We pursued a follow up in AB that took us to a ped. rheumatologist who did an MRI and said it was fairly unremarkable and the radiologist would like to see the x-rays to confirm the letter they had as it made no sense. I had asked for them to be sent as did they on a seperate occasion. Never.showed.up. She says, based on her expert opinion, he does not have rheumatoid arthritis. But had scar tissue on the sacral joint from perhaps a post-arthritic process. She refers us to GI yet again and back to neuromuscular. How could the one x-ray have showed all these things?? I ask that they admit him and give him TPN based on a friend's recommendations of working with Crohn's patients. He is not yet diagnosed, but a naturopath did a stool sample and said yes, it was Crohns. The GI, Dr. Turner (same name as the lovely ped. we had in Vancouver) said no admittance till we wait a month and see colonoscopy results.
Now Cory is sick and they canceled the colonoscopy on thursday. He has lost weight. His tongue is all blotchy and stings. I am beyond confused. I don't want to trust their ways, but he is SO frail and I am at a lost as to what to feed him to get him to gain weight. GAIN WEIGHT!!! GAIN WEIGHT!! How can they not look at him, thinner than the African children on those commercials, and not do something or see him as critical. For me, doing something is the TPN treatment just to kickstart some nutrition in him and give his intestines a break. Confused...I don't get it...why is this so hard...what puzzle pieces am I missing...I KNOW this is nutrition based...I need to work this out... I NEED to stay strong...I CAN find the answers...but, I may need 'some' interim help. I will insist that I am on every team meeting as Cory has anxiety issues with doctors and all interactions between someone in a hospital and him has to be conducted as gentle as possible KNOWING that his tics could start up at any moment. His eyes could start rolling back into his sockets again for weeks on end, his TMJ symptoms could come back for weeks, his inability to talk and mostly grunt could come back...HE HAS HAD IT with the medical profession.
And quite frankly, SO HAVE I! If I just had more help...a mother who could be another body and could be with the kids so that I could create recipes and vice versa. Try, try again. It took Jordan Rubin 2 years of traveling the world to find his answer. I know we will find ours. I know. I may be confused now, but everything I was ever confused about, I eventually excelled at and thrived at and beat out most others at. The answers will come. Cory will regain a full life, and all this will just be a learning curve in our lives. Just.You.Wait.
I remember being in karate and being at the water fountain, and Daryl said to me, 'Shelley, quite honestly, I don't know how you even get by in life'. Of course I would just laugh. I had the ability to be standing the opposite direction facing the whole group during a kata and wondering how I botched that up...then I would sheepishly look over at my Sensei who would almost roll his eyes and simply tell me to turn around. But, I was very determined, and I was very good at the sport--confused or not!
I think the phrase I used the most in life was, 'I don't get it'. Which I would then proceed to ensure that no one else got it either. Once again, I am in that life place of 'I don't get it'. This time the topic isn't particularly funny. My son is very, very ill. He has been diagnosed with progressive myopathy, given a wheelchair, then diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, then juvenile arthritis with sacroiliitis with IBD, but then I cured the diarrhea, so they sent a blood test to California that said no IBD, even though a previous colonoscopy said small dotted ulcerations throughout. Yet this is an 11 yr old weighing in at a whopping 45 lbs. How can they look at one blood test and say no GI issues...
We are put on a waiting list for an MRI for the small intestine that was to take one year. WE wait as we always do. A year passes and I call to see and all I get is, "I'm afraid he never made the list, it will be 14 mos. now." I said nevermind, we are leaving BC for now and I will deal with it in AB. He starts getting worse in Jan. 10, so I beg for an x-ray. Both the GP and the Pediatrician say no. When do they ever say no to x-rays and when do I ever beg... He ends up with chest pains and I take him to emergency, and I BEG the doctor to x-ray his sacral area as well. They do. The results show all is FINE. So, despite new back pains, I feel relieved. This was March '10. On April 20, 2010, the day the dollar reached par with the US, the oil rig blew up in the Gulf, and 4/20 was taking downtown Vancouver by storm, we go to the hospital for an appt. Dr. Turner, the ped. rheum. there says Cory must have an x-ray...I had to 'laugh' as I had been begging for months for an x-ray that no one would give me (and I detest radiation so you know how important it was to me), and I told her, 'no problem, we just had one done last month and all was fine and they can send it to you.' She insisted on doing another. I was not happy. We argued. I gave in. One month later I get a letter in the mail just prior to leaving for AB that he has very, very severe destruction of his SI joints, his trochanter, and has bone spurs in his hip area and needs to start Remicaid treatments immediately.
What?? Just a month ago the x-ray was 'non-remarkable'. I was shocked to say the least. We pursued a follow up in AB that took us to a ped. rheumatologist who did an MRI and said it was fairly unremarkable and the radiologist would like to see the x-rays to confirm the letter they had as it made no sense. I had asked for them to be sent as did they on a seperate occasion. Never.showed.up. She says, based on her expert opinion, he does not have rheumatoid arthritis. But had scar tissue on the sacral joint from perhaps a post-arthritic process. She refers us to GI yet again and back to neuromuscular. How could the one x-ray have showed all these things?? I ask that they admit him and give him TPN based on a friend's recommendations of working with Crohn's patients. He is not yet diagnosed, but a naturopath did a stool sample and said yes, it was Crohns. The GI, Dr. Turner (same name as the lovely ped. we had in Vancouver) said no admittance till we wait a month and see colonoscopy results.
Now Cory is sick and they canceled the colonoscopy on thursday. He has lost weight. His tongue is all blotchy and stings. I am beyond confused. I don't want to trust their ways, but he is SO frail and I am at a lost as to what to feed him to get him to gain weight. GAIN WEIGHT!!! GAIN WEIGHT!! How can they not look at him, thinner than the African children on those commercials, and not do something or see him as critical. For me, doing something is the TPN treatment just to kickstart some nutrition in him and give his intestines a break. Confused...I don't get it...why is this so hard...what puzzle pieces am I missing...I KNOW this is nutrition based...I need to work this out... I NEED to stay strong...I CAN find the answers...but, I may need 'some' interim help. I will insist that I am on every team meeting as Cory has anxiety issues with doctors and all interactions between someone in a hospital and him has to be conducted as gentle as possible KNOWING that his tics could start up at any moment. His eyes could start rolling back into his sockets again for weeks on end, his TMJ symptoms could come back for weeks, his inability to talk and mostly grunt could come back...HE HAS HAD IT with the medical profession.
And quite frankly, SO HAVE I! If I just had more help...a mother who could be another body and could be with the kids so that I could create recipes and vice versa. Try, try again. It took Jordan Rubin 2 years of traveling the world to find his answer. I know we will find ours. I know. I may be confused now, but everything I was ever confused about, I eventually excelled at and thrived at and beat out most others at. The answers will come. Cory will regain a full life, and all this will just be a learning curve in our lives. Just.You.Wait.
I Wasn't Alone...Oct. 24/2010
For all the negative experiences we had in the hospital, I know that God was with me the whole time. THerefore He wanted us to go through them for some reason. Was it to show us that I was on the right track before and that by going through all these bad experiences, that I should really learn to trust my 'gut' and not do western medicine as it is riddled with errors? It is not any individuals fault; I know that. It is simply an imperfect system. Especially when dealing with a case like ours which is diet related as they know nothing about diet.
The 3 other 'neighbors' we had were all sick due to colds/viruses. They all had antibiotics and went home better than when they came in. Great. The hospital served their purpose. But the first person was a 2 mo. old baby that got sick AFTER his immunization where the fever didn't go away for 4 days. First blood work showed bacteria so they did a second set that didn't show anything. Baby I guess got better, but they admitted him anyway for a 3 wk. course of antibiotics. Second neighbor got sinusitis so bad it inflamed his whole face..needed surgery. Third neighbor had swollen lymphs so bad, he had to be airlifted from Fort Mac. to Edmonton. Both the 2nd and 3rd had CAT scans as opposed to MRI's as first line of detection. Then ended up getting MRI's and it was the MRI's that diagnosed each. Yet now they have each have that radiation in their body for life. And each had a diet that was horrendous. The 2nd thought gingerale for the son was a 'liquid' and copius amounts of chocolate mousse, food. The 3rd said her son (5) was eating now-- chips, bubblegum ice cream, and chocolate. The nurses praised both for their 'good eating'...I sat there...stunned, yet not really. I guess saddened is more like it thinking that their poor diets got them sick in the first place.
These, once again, were learning experiences for me. Reinforcing that I do in fact know something...and that most people don't know or rather, don't link food with illness. God wanted me to hear all this. He wanted us to experience this so that I know to run far and fast the other way before ever getting led to such a horrible, sickly place again. But he was with me in other amazing ways. Not only did He absolutely confirm my lack of faith in 'the system' for anything other than trauma and acute emergencies, He showed up in unexpected places. The dimes. I hadn't found my dime yet. I had found 3 a few days back for Thanksgiving, but none during this crisis time. And I told Jennifer this. Later the SAME day, I found one in the gift shop with Kara! I had never in the last 19 years actually asked for a dime in advance like that! This, the day of Cory's procedure and the day he cried for 3 hours and the day that was so hard. Then Kyle came the next day finding another in the hospital parking lot. I was beyond elation. Seriously.
The healing bracelet from our neighbor after Cory's botched MRI exam and I was feeling so desperately sick for Cory...and she presents the most perfect, yet simple gift. Cory has not taken it off yet. Then off to get my green tea and cinnamon bun...
I wanted a green tea and a cinnamon bun (although I hadn't eaten a cinnamon bun in well over 5 yrs., but my cousin had brought some for Kevin, so they were on my mind). I had gone that morning to get a green tea but they didn't have. I go to use the computers, and was telling the girl who works there about my challenging day (more with what I didn't say, then what I did), and she later came and offered me a green tea...NOT a coffee which is more usual...a.green.tea. Then, 5 minutes later, she comes back and says, " you know, we had a pot luck today, and I made these cinnamon buns and have some left over, would you like one?" I was dumbfounded. I must have looked at her so strangely. Could it be that I was getting exactly what I was thinking about? If so, I should have been thinking about Cory's instant healing!! I was instantly brought to a state of bewilderment and awe and peace as I sat and read some beautiful FB comments from loving friends. I could cope once again.
My sister showing up right after that. Allowing the girls to take Cory to the feature movie at the 'Beach' that night and allowing me and her time to talk before Dr. Kolski showed up without Cory being there. Then her being there to hear Cory's history and see his file and her admission to me later that she truly had no idea what I had been going through and how I sounded like a medical doctor going through all his paperwork with the doctor as she was asking for past neurological and neuromuscular reports and I had some bloodwork questions for her. God has known that my whole life, what I have wanted more than anything is for my sister to love me and think that I have done something right...after this conversation with her, my heart was once again at peace. She truly felt I had done well. A million dollars could not be more valuable to me...and God allowed it to happen. She may have thought it and said it before, but I have never felt it so intensely and whole-heartedly from her.
Jennifer showing up RIGHT when the stretcher came to take Cory to the colonoscopy. She was there for me taking my mind of things...helping me from walking into walls and finding my way...well, anywhere! We sat at an elevator for like 5 minutes chatting when she asked where we were going, and I told her my mind was mush, I hadn't heard a word she said and quite frankly it doesn't matter where we go. She laughed. Later she gave me the most precious necklace gift--it said 'hope'. And I posted this right when a friend Susan sent me a private message about 'hope'. Sometimes all the timing is so surreal. Of course, God allowed Jennifer to come six times being his paid art therapist, and I needed her each and every one of those times.
The scrabble game Jennifer, Cory and I played. A gift given by another friend; we played it. The first round we played, we all raced to spell 4 letter words. The game is over when all the letter cards that you are dealt are used up spelling words. It is played quickly and you have no time to really think too hard about the word you are going to make. The last word, which was made by Cory, and the only word that he could have made based on the last card/letter he had was L-O-R-D. Me and Jennifer looked up at each other. The 2nd and final game that we played, the final word was P-O-P-E. There are only so many 4-letter words that God can use to stand for him...and certainly, there is no mistaken with Lord about what He is trying to say. Seeing, especially the word Lord, was like he was in there talking to us, telling us He is in control here, NOT all these doctors and that I have to listen to Him through my heart. Unbelievable...
There has been another healing that has taken place for me from an old friend...something I won't get into here, but has been on my heart for over 20 years. And my aunt said that a cousin who shunned me 8 years ago, is ready to put all that aside. That would probably be my final healing as these were the only 3 biggies in my life. Funny how certain people's words or actions can affect someone for a long, long time. The heart knows what it needs.
So there has been alot of good for me through all this and if I am healed, then Cory too can heal. I believe that is how it works. This, plus all the other 'little/big' things that happened. My quandry now, is how to deal with the drugs when I think they are so evil, but yet I have a sick little boy that needs some help, yet has all these strange side-effects now that the doctors all down play...I will never stop searching for Cory's natural cure and I need to listen to my 'gut'.
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Linnet Lage-Schwarz likes this.
Gina Gordon Lannin So true! You have that amazing ability to see the upside or learning experience in traumatic times - that is truly a gift! Also, that Cory has mom so relentlessly searching for a cure! Lucky boy!
October 24, 2010 at 8:38am · Like
Susan Ballash that was beautifully written Shelley. You are an inspiration to me.
October 24, 2010 at 12:53pm · Like
The 3 other 'neighbors' we had were all sick due to colds/viruses. They all had antibiotics and went home better than when they came in. Great. The hospital served their purpose. But the first person was a 2 mo. old baby that got sick AFTER his immunization where the fever didn't go away for 4 days. First blood work showed bacteria so they did a second set that didn't show anything. Baby I guess got better, but they admitted him anyway for a 3 wk. course of antibiotics. Second neighbor got sinusitis so bad it inflamed his whole face..needed surgery. Third neighbor had swollen lymphs so bad, he had to be airlifted from Fort Mac. to Edmonton. Both the 2nd and 3rd had CAT scans as opposed to MRI's as first line of detection. Then ended up getting MRI's and it was the MRI's that diagnosed each. Yet now they have each have that radiation in their body for life. And each had a diet that was horrendous. The 2nd thought gingerale for the son was a 'liquid' and copius amounts of chocolate mousse, food. The 3rd said her son (5) was eating now-- chips, bubblegum ice cream, and chocolate. The nurses praised both for their 'good eating'...I sat there...stunned, yet not really. I guess saddened is more like it thinking that their poor diets got them sick in the first place.
These, once again, were learning experiences for me. Reinforcing that I do in fact know something...and that most people don't know or rather, don't link food with illness. God wanted me to hear all this. He wanted us to experience this so that I know to run far and fast the other way before ever getting led to such a horrible, sickly place again. But he was with me in other amazing ways. Not only did He absolutely confirm my lack of faith in 'the system' for anything other than trauma and acute emergencies, He showed up in unexpected places. The dimes. I hadn't found my dime yet. I had found 3 a few days back for Thanksgiving, but none during this crisis time. And I told Jennifer this. Later the SAME day, I found one in the gift shop with Kara! I had never in the last 19 years actually asked for a dime in advance like that! This, the day of Cory's procedure and the day he cried for 3 hours and the day that was so hard. Then Kyle came the next day finding another in the hospital parking lot. I was beyond elation. Seriously.
The healing bracelet from our neighbor after Cory's botched MRI exam and I was feeling so desperately sick for Cory...and she presents the most perfect, yet simple gift. Cory has not taken it off yet. Then off to get my green tea and cinnamon bun...
I wanted a green tea and a cinnamon bun (although I hadn't eaten a cinnamon bun in well over 5 yrs., but my cousin had brought some for Kevin, so they were on my mind). I had gone that morning to get a green tea but they didn't have. I go to use the computers, and was telling the girl who works there about my challenging day (more with what I didn't say, then what I did), and she later came and offered me a green tea...NOT a coffee which is more usual...a.green.tea. Then, 5 minutes later, she comes back and says, " you know, we had a pot luck today, and I made these cinnamon buns and have some left over, would you like one?" I was dumbfounded. I must have looked at her so strangely. Could it be that I was getting exactly what I was thinking about? If so, I should have been thinking about Cory's instant healing!! I was instantly brought to a state of bewilderment and awe and peace as I sat and read some beautiful FB comments from loving friends. I could cope once again.
My sister showing up right after that. Allowing the girls to take Cory to the feature movie at the 'Beach' that night and allowing me and her time to talk before Dr. Kolski showed up without Cory being there. Then her being there to hear Cory's history and see his file and her admission to me later that she truly had no idea what I had been going through and how I sounded like a medical doctor going through all his paperwork with the doctor as she was asking for past neurological and neuromuscular reports and I had some bloodwork questions for her. God has known that my whole life, what I have wanted more than anything is for my sister to love me and think that I have done something right...after this conversation with her, my heart was once again at peace. She truly felt I had done well. A million dollars could not be more valuable to me...and God allowed it to happen. She may have thought it and said it before, but I have never felt it so intensely and whole-heartedly from her.
Jennifer showing up RIGHT when the stretcher came to take Cory to the colonoscopy. She was there for me taking my mind of things...helping me from walking into walls and finding my way...well, anywhere! We sat at an elevator for like 5 minutes chatting when she asked where we were going, and I told her my mind was mush, I hadn't heard a word she said and quite frankly it doesn't matter where we go. She laughed. Later she gave me the most precious necklace gift--it said 'hope'. And I posted this right when a friend Susan sent me a private message about 'hope'. Sometimes all the timing is so surreal. Of course, God allowed Jennifer to come six times being his paid art therapist, and I needed her each and every one of those times.
The scrabble game Jennifer, Cory and I played. A gift given by another friend; we played it. The first round we played, we all raced to spell 4 letter words. The game is over when all the letter cards that you are dealt are used up spelling words. It is played quickly and you have no time to really think too hard about the word you are going to make. The last word, which was made by Cory, and the only word that he could have made based on the last card/letter he had was L-O-R-D. Me and Jennifer looked up at each other. The 2nd and final game that we played, the final word was P-O-P-E. There are only so many 4-letter words that God can use to stand for him...and certainly, there is no mistaken with Lord about what He is trying to say. Seeing, especially the word Lord, was like he was in there talking to us, telling us He is in control here, NOT all these doctors and that I have to listen to Him through my heart. Unbelievable...
There has been another healing that has taken place for me from an old friend...something I won't get into here, but has been on my heart for over 20 years. And my aunt said that a cousin who shunned me 8 years ago, is ready to put all that aside. That would probably be my final healing as these were the only 3 biggies in my life. Funny how certain people's words or actions can affect someone for a long, long time. The heart knows what it needs.
So there has been alot of good for me through all this and if I am healed, then Cory too can heal. I believe that is how it works. This, plus all the other 'little/big' things that happened. My quandry now, is how to deal with the drugs when I think they are so evil, but yet I have a sick little boy that needs some help, yet has all these strange side-effects now that the doctors all down play...I will never stop searching for Cory's natural cure and I need to listen to my 'gut'.
Like · · Unfollow Post · Share · Delete
Linnet Lage-Schwarz likes this.
Gina Gordon Lannin So true! You have that amazing ability to see the upside or learning experience in traumatic times - that is truly a gift! Also, that Cory has mom so relentlessly searching for a cure! Lucky boy!
October 24, 2010 at 8:38am · Like
Susan Ballash that was beautifully written Shelley. You are an inspiration to me.
October 24, 2010 at 12:53pm · Like
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