I am now 47. I am taking life easy for the moment. Because I can. Because I have had chaos most of my life. So I am Unlearning chaos and learning calmness and mindfulness and integrity and honesty and loving myself. Why chaos? Read on.
I was born to my Ukrainian father who is 6’3″ and my Irish mother who was 4’11”. On my mother’s wedding day she said, “to my awfully wedded husband.” She said that was a curse for the rest of her marriage…and it started that night…you see, she barely made her wedding due to a ruptured appendix and was told by the doctor after her surgery the day before no sex on your wedding night. Apparently my father didn’t listen. And that was just the start of 13 years of wife battery and abuse.
So, guess who was conceived that night out of that loving union…MOI! My mom was 20 when she had me. I was a very ill child. I suppose having 2 parents who smoked didn’t help. I had major lung issues and spent most of my time in the hospital for the first 3 years of my life. They thought for a while I had cystic fibrosis but then degraded that to severe allergies. I had needles in both arms for most of my youth and many bouts of ear infections and lung infections where I would stay in the shower breathing in hot steam and eucalyptus oil. Then I would have to cough in a bowl for long periods of time to clear my lungs.
And apparently I didn’t get a lot of love either. My mom came once to the hospital to find me screaming on the floor. Apparently I had climbed out of my crib and fallen onto the floor below. Seemed to be a trend in my life. I was screamed at and abused by my father. As I got older, my mom came to pick me up early once from a babysitters to find me in a closet bleeding out of my ear. She said that she found out I had been locked in that closet day in and day out for a very long time and beaten. Hmmm…so I was beaten at home and at the babysitters.
Growing up I didn’t make many friends. When I was roughly 4 or 5 I stood up on my tricycle to throw something in the garbage that a kid had given me only to have them push the bike away from me and I sliced my head open and they all laughed. My mom came out to find me bleeding and rushed me to the doctor. I still have that scar on my forehead.
Then when I was 5 years old, I wanted to go out for a swing. There were 2 teen boys there and they whispered to one another. Then one approached me and asked if I would like to have a swing. I said yes. So he took me by the hand firmly and said, “ok, you just have to come with me first” I was getting scared and couldn’t pull away. He picked up double bubble comic wrappers to try and appease me but I was crying and scared. He took me behind some garbage cans where he made me ‘suck his popsicle’ and touched me and had sex with me.
By the time I was around 8 years old, I was on survival mode. I was much more aware of the daily abuse going on and was scared to come home from school every single day not knowing what my dad would want us to be doing…as it didn’t matter as it was always the wrong thing to be doing. At 9 I was doing scheduling for his driver training business he bought from MacKinnon. Often calling his clients as he was too drunk to go to work.
There was constant screaming in my house. My mom always through her small body in front of me to save me whenever my dad was on a rampage screaming, “NO LEN, TAKE ME NOT THE CHILDREN, PLEASE TAKE ME.”
Those are my childhood memories. Well, there were a few sexual experiences I remember as well. I was sexually curious at a very young age and without naming names as I am still protecting identities, I was giving blow jobs and hand jobs at about 8 years old. And it was never in a bad way, except by my dad a few times, but by the others, I actually wanted to be touched lovingly…in any way. I didn’t know it was wrong.
So I looked forward to these occasions. And when it ended, I was sad as it was the only loving I got…
When I turned 12, my mom was almost beaten dead. That morning she was in her rocking chair, and I can still see her as clear as day right now. She looked me in the eye as a half dead woman whose life soul had been beaten out of her and her body black and blue and said to me, “tell your teacher you will not be coming back tomorrow”. So I went to school and very timidly told my teacher that. I didn’t know what to think of it, but when I got home, my aunt and uncle were there and we made an escape. He often said he would kill my mom if we told anyone and she feared for her life. It was his brother she had to call. I am sure it was THE most difficult thing she had ever done.
More difficult then being thrown out of a speeding car, thrown down the stairs and then hit with the butt end of a rifle, yet still getting up to run and save your children while they were getting beaten to a pulp. More difficult than having every dish taken out of the kitchen cabinet and slammed on your head while being screamed at and told how useless you are…and on and on…I have stories to fill pages…but I think you get the idea…if not, please ask and I can share more.
This started a new journey. My grandparents got my mom a new place. And then I turned into the crazed teenager. I didn’t listen to my mom and became my dad of the household. Andrew was only 9 months old when we left and my sister 8. I was not a nice teenager. I yelled at my mom, I hit her, I swore at her, I didn’t let her know where I was going or when I would be home. I was point blank a spitting image of the monster she had left. I am sure she wished she had left earlier before I was affected so deeply…but it was too late. The pain was immense for me and my hatred for my father seethed through my veins…and then for myself as I did all that he had done. His wickedness became my wickedness. There is nothing he did that I didn’t do…other than rape her.
I would go off and drink mickey’s with friends on weekends. The goal was to drink it down straight as quickly as possible. And so I did. But there was a few things I didn’t do and this is because of my grandmother and the weekly visits each summer I got to spend with her…my ray of hope. She told me to never have sex till I got married and to never do drugs…oh, and to never stick my arm out of the car window as the air police would come and cut it off.
These words stuck so even though I was drinking young, I didn’t do drugs and I didn’t have intercourse ever. Thank goodness she said that!
I had NO self esteem though. I started going to bars with my cousin at age 14-18. We would dance together and of course pick up men. Somehow I got through all that without having sex! Just gave a lot of blow jobs and got through all that. I really just wanted to dance. My time for enjoying touch had passed and I was not looking for that. I just wanted my cousin’s friendship. I was not looking for a man at all. By 18 I had a marriage proposal and a ring from Jaime Smith. Met him at Goose Loonies and he truly was an amazing fellow. Built my bedroom downstairs and treated me and my mom well. But I knew at age 18 I was not ready for marriage. It was the same birthday that my mom had given me my Dime Bottle.
Yes…the dime bottle. What would change the course of my life as I know it today. Will come back to this.
At age 18 I went to U of A as my grandma made me. I had gotten a job at age 15 at McDonalds as my dad had made me and then Superstore. Made good money and learnt from my grandpa how to do taxes and he told me I should buy some bonds. So I saved money and bought bonds. He taught me a lot about finances.
My mom had gotten worse mentally and I had calmed down a lot after an intervention by my aunt. They moved me out to Lister Hall and my brother to my grandparents and my sister to my aunts. I was suicidal at this point. BUT..something deep down…that voice inside said that God had great things planned for you so it is not your time.
I joined karate as my aunt told me to join something to meet people. Karate changed my life. It made me believe in myself. So did meeting Patti. So did meeting Michael. Then my mom died when I was 22. This also changed my life profoundly. And started my spiritual journey.
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Friday, February 14, 2014
First dimes, now 111's
About 2 weeks before my grandma's death I started noticing 111's everywhere. This was the first time in my life. I wasn't sure what it all meant, but just noticed them. While I was at her place and after she died, I was still seeing them everywhere 4+ times per day. On the clock, addresses, street signs, phone numbers, number of emails etc. Just everywhere. I decided I was not going to go 18 years not knowing like I did with the dimes. So I googled it. I couldn't believe it. There was a whole whack of information all about it. Wow. Here I go again. First dimes and now ones. I was blown away. Why does all this happen to me? Why is it I get all these signs?? Even on the way to grandma's funeral, guess what time I looked at the clock? 1:11pm. Surreal. It is now 2 years later and I still see them constantly and many times a day. I also see 7:11 and 9:11 daily. Then every so often I see 555 or 333 or 222 or 444. Of course one can't see the others on a clock. But it is amazing how often I just 'happen' to look up and that is the time. It is insanely frequent. Also licence plate numbers. I was in Vancouver once and had a car with 988 in front of me...that was my grandmother's old phone number, then a car squeezed right between us and it was 111 on it. I almost died! I have also been driving and had 2 cars..one in front and one on my right both have 111 on their licence plates.
Between my dimes and my 111's, my days are quite full and make me smile constantly. That I am so connected with the spiritual realm. I am very blessed in this way. That I have angels looking after me..reminding me that everything is not only ok and not worth worrying about, but that I need to come back to the present moment, be happy and embrace it and live life full on without fear and with complete courage. I am constantly blown away at all that happens to me. Constantly.
Between my dimes and my 111's, my days are quite full and make me smile constantly. That I am so connected with the spiritual realm. I am very blessed in this way. That I have angels looking after me..reminding me that everything is not only ok and not worth worrying about, but that I need to come back to the present moment, be happy and embrace it and live life full on without fear and with complete courage. I am constantly blown away at all that happens to me. Constantly.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Read another story that reminded me of more stories.
In my readings last night, I read about someone who had been through some fall, yet felt like someone had set them down so lightly. This reminded me of a few incidents. When I was pregnant with Kyle, I was playing outside in our yard at our acreage in Ardrossan. I was chasing Cory and our two aussie sheps were running around having fun. There was a bit of a hill and I tripped...everything after that felt like slow motion. I should have fallen really hard on my arse the way I had fell...BUT instead, my larger Aussie Shep, Schnikers had somehow ran behind me and braced my fall in such a way that it felt that first my bum landed on him then my upper legs, the backs of my knees and finally my calves and feet. There I was sitting on the ground with absolutely no pain wondering what just happened. I literally felt like I had not fallen at all, but was set down as lightly as humanly possible on a cotton puff! I will never forget the experience of it and how soft my landing was and how slow I perceived the whole experience to be.
There was the time where I was turning left on Vancouver Island with the 2 boys and I am not sure if Kara was born yet. There was no left turn lane as it was off the small highway. I had checked my rear view mirror just prior and saw nothing. Suddenly, a pick up truck went...and this will sound very strange...but right through my van is what it seemed like. I remember seeing him come out straight in front of me and was doing such high speeds. I turned left and parked the van. I still remember my feeling I had of what the heck just happened! I had stayed there awhile trying to make sense of what truly happened as OBVIOUSLY it didn't really go through my van...did it? I sat there and pondered it and wondered why we weren't all in a severe accident. I could not wrap my head around it nor can I now.
THere was a time when I was living with my mom and sister and brother in our house. I had made french fries. I had the grease getting hot on the stove. I was upset about my dad and was talking to my mom. Suddenly I saw a HUGE flame coming from the kitchen as we were sitting in the livingroom. I got to the kitchen SO fast and the flames were up to the ceiling and spreading outward. A very large flame. I grabbed the pot with y hands on either side of it and carried it to the sink. I then put the lid on it I believe or a towel. I got the flame out somehow. Now, I would THINK that a pot of grease on fire would be rather hot. Yet I sustained only one tiny burn on the TOP of my hand by my knuckle. How did I move the pot and not sustain any burns on my hands OR on my body from moving a flame taller than the ceiling that I would think would have blown back towards my face and body. Yet only one tiny burn. I was always flabbergasted about that as well.
So many stories.
More pieces keep coming together
OK, I 'happened' to watch the show The Long Island Medium and it got me thinking about how I relate to my mom through dimes and my grandma through ones and my grandpa through butter. I somehow got online tonight and searched some links. Well one thing led to another and I learned that what I experienced the day before my mom's funeral when I felt paralyzed in the bed yet saw an apparition which I knew was her, is normal and is called sleep paralysis and can happen when someone has died. I was awake yet remember NOT being able to move my body as desperately as I wanted to. I was not scared of this apparition, but wanted to reach out yet my body was absolutely glued to the bed! I saw it/her walk in the room and walk by Maureen's dresser and by the window and wander around for awhile. The whole time being absolutely frozen in my body with only my eyes watching. I never researched this before, but bumped into it tonight and studies have been done on this! Then I figure I should try and understand all the weird 'travel' I did in my childhood. I VIVIDLY remember being scared...and I do mean SCARED to go to sleep at night. The reason being is that I knew I would be going for that 'ride' again. Now this ride was absolutely terrifying to me. Even though I enjoyed getting to the destination.
What it was, and this is how I always remember it before ever researching it and getting any other names for it so this is MY childhood description. I would be scared to fall asleep, inevitably, I would fall asleep and then the journey would begin. I would start racing in what was the fastest roller coaster ride ever. It would go on for quite some time and was absolutely terrifying to me. It would be in a tunnel. It was lightening speed fast. I would eventually arrive at my destination after this terrifying ride. The destination was pure peace and white. There would be a 'being' there. To say it was Jesus would be presuming too much. But there was a being and I remember pure peace and joy and just it was all white. Somehow the shape of the white being was differentiated from all the other white around it. I only remember it opening its arms for me and me being about 10' from it. These trips went on for months and months. This is why I remember it so vividly. It was NOT a one time deal. This happened every single night. I am certain I must have mentioned it to my mom. I was that terrified. I knew the end result was good, but goodness, it really was a scary trip and I felt like I was holding on for dear life! Now, of course I lived a life of abuse and lack of love. I wonder why I experienced this. And did I interact ever with this being and gain any knowledge or wisdom that I have put into my subconscious somewhere?
I have never told anyone this story till recently. It is THAT bizarre and how do you tell people you believe, somehow, you went to heaven. And not only once, but every night and that the ride there is terrifying!! Who on earth is going to believe you??!! Now I did put on my rosary one day I got for gr. 2 Communion and told the older grades at school that I had been to heaven that night. They all thought I was nuts. I swore Jesus had given it to me even though I knew my mom gave it to me. Did I think Jesus gave it to my mom?? I have no idea of all my thought processes and can only piece together the events I do recollect that are still vivid memories to me. Wow. So many weird experiences in my life. So much I have never talked about and so much I just passed off as not real.
Well, I have had SO many now and cannot pass them off as not real. I know that they are and were in fact real! Why is it that I have experienced so many different ones? The Spiritual Travel as they call it online...the Sleeping Paralysis while being visited by my mom...all the dimes...all the ones...my grandma coming back the night she died and the next day...the dream about Cory...the 8 months I spent talking with my mom...which I read about tonight as actually conversing with her and it was not a dream. I knew this intuitively, but read about the actual actuality of it happening. And how I 'spoke' with her nightly UNTIL I made the dime connection 8 months later. Then and this is yet something else I just learnt recently through Cory's last SEA Lisa, that I had had a 'Kundalini Awakening' upon putting the dime in the wine bottle that night. I had told her how I knew it was my mom sending me the dimes when that one night I put it in the wine bottle as normal and then BOOM, I had experienced a white light and an electric shock that threw me onto my bed. And with that was a complete certainty and knowing that these dimes were from my mom. I called Kevin immediately to tell him what happened as I was so happy. Somehow finding 4 dimes a week for 8 months wasn't explanation enough...or that I talked with her every night during that time.
Right after that, my dime finds went down to about 2/wk and I no longer spoke with her in my 'dreams'. It was like she was waiting for me to move on before she could move on. All this is all amazing to me and I only am recording it as it happened to me. I of course didn't even know other people found dimes until Sept. 2010 when a haphazard meeting with Marilyn at West Ed. (where I had found yet another dime) had her email me a blog about people who find dimes. And another sheet showing the significance of the number 10. I then eventually searched Facebook and found a Dime Finding group on there! I was SO blown away that there were others! I had no idea. I mean, I had met someone once at a mall and I found a dime and told her about it and she told me her husband finds dimes and was going to write a book about it and I was SO excited! I should have gotten his name. Just so many things we don't understand, that is for sure. But some things can't be proven with science. I know what I have experienced and gone through and they are nothing short of amazing and 'out of this world.'
What it was, and this is how I always remember it before ever researching it and getting any other names for it so this is MY childhood description. I would be scared to fall asleep, inevitably, I would fall asleep and then the journey would begin. I would start racing in what was the fastest roller coaster ride ever. It would go on for quite some time and was absolutely terrifying to me. It would be in a tunnel. It was lightening speed fast. I would eventually arrive at my destination after this terrifying ride. The destination was pure peace and white. There would be a 'being' there. To say it was Jesus would be presuming too much. But there was a being and I remember pure peace and joy and just it was all white. Somehow the shape of the white being was differentiated from all the other white around it. I only remember it opening its arms for me and me being about 10' from it. These trips went on for months and months. This is why I remember it so vividly. It was NOT a one time deal. This happened every single night. I am certain I must have mentioned it to my mom. I was that terrified. I knew the end result was good, but goodness, it really was a scary trip and I felt like I was holding on for dear life! Now, of course I lived a life of abuse and lack of love. I wonder why I experienced this. And did I interact ever with this being and gain any knowledge or wisdom that I have put into my subconscious somewhere?
I have never told anyone this story till recently. It is THAT bizarre and how do you tell people you believe, somehow, you went to heaven. And not only once, but every night and that the ride there is terrifying!! Who on earth is going to believe you??!! Now I did put on my rosary one day I got for gr. 2 Communion and told the older grades at school that I had been to heaven that night. They all thought I was nuts. I swore Jesus had given it to me even though I knew my mom gave it to me. Did I think Jesus gave it to my mom?? I have no idea of all my thought processes and can only piece together the events I do recollect that are still vivid memories to me. Wow. So many weird experiences in my life. So much I have never talked about and so much I just passed off as not real.
Well, I have had SO many now and cannot pass them off as not real. I know that they are and were in fact real! Why is it that I have experienced so many different ones? The Spiritual Travel as they call it online...the Sleeping Paralysis while being visited by my mom...all the dimes...all the ones...my grandma coming back the night she died and the next day...the dream about Cory...the 8 months I spent talking with my mom...which I read about tonight as actually conversing with her and it was not a dream. I knew this intuitively, but read about the actual actuality of it happening. And how I 'spoke' with her nightly UNTIL I made the dime connection 8 months later. Then and this is yet something else I just learnt recently through Cory's last SEA Lisa, that I had had a 'Kundalini Awakening' upon putting the dime in the wine bottle that night. I had told her how I knew it was my mom sending me the dimes when that one night I put it in the wine bottle as normal and then BOOM, I had experienced a white light and an electric shock that threw me onto my bed. And with that was a complete certainty and knowing that these dimes were from my mom. I called Kevin immediately to tell him what happened as I was so happy. Somehow finding 4 dimes a week for 8 months wasn't explanation enough...or that I talked with her every night during that time.
Right after that, my dime finds went down to about 2/wk and I no longer spoke with her in my 'dreams'. It was like she was waiting for me to move on before she could move on. All this is all amazing to me and I only am recording it as it happened to me. I of course didn't even know other people found dimes until Sept. 2010 when a haphazard meeting with Marilyn at West Ed. (where I had found yet another dime) had her email me a blog about people who find dimes. And another sheet showing the significance of the number 10. I then eventually searched Facebook and found a Dime Finding group on there! I was SO blown away that there were others! I had no idea. I mean, I had met someone once at a mall and I found a dime and told her about it and she told me her husband finds dimes and was going to write a book about it and I was SO excited! I should have gotten his name. Just so many things we don't understand, that is for sure. But some things can't be proven with science. I know what I have experienced and gone through and they are nothing short of amazing and 'out of this world.'
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Grandma's Death and her final visit to her home the next day.
the electricity, the burning pizza, the 111's etd.
I was called by my uncle Kelly and warned that my grandma had fallen out of her bed friday and was not doing well...this was sunday or so. By tuesday I got a call that he didn't know if she would make it through the night. I was fresh out of the shower when I got the call. I called Westjet immediately and needed to leave within 5 min. to get to Comox to make the flight. I packed so fast and left with wet hair. I spent every day from that night till Sunday with her. I stayed at her house with my divorced uncle Mike who had been living with her for a number of years. I ate on her bed and that is where I would talk to Ben every night. I cooked in her oven which I noticed was never getting hot anymore and could barely heat up my food. Saturday night at the hospital I noticed she had very little urine and she had a fever. I asked the nurse about it. It became very clear she probably wouldn't make it through the night. My sister overheard this and decided to stay all night with my brother there. Of course my grandma waited till 8am to pass away when everyone had just left the room for a moment.
So it is Sunday now and I got the call immediately. I got myself ready with Mike and we picked up Janine and we went to the hospital. I had been very strong up to this point but now I wailed. Into my hands as I was all alone. I pulled out the bible and read the famous Psalm 63 I believe...the one anyone knows. It was an odd day. We all went into a lounge and just kind of let it all soak in. All devastated by the loss of the matriarch of our family. Our key connection. My sister at least had her girls there. I was all alone. Janine offered me her shoulder.
That night Mike had to go pick up his other daughter from the airport and for the first night since I had been there, he stayed at her house. I was all alone. I called Ben and told him. Like always, I sat on her bed and ate. I then went upstairs to sleep. I had my door closed. Around 3am I was writing Ben an email as I couldn't sleep and was getting frustrated. Then I started hearing sounds. My heart beat faster. I wrote at that exact time about what I was hearing in the email. I was scared to open the door. It was quite noisy. I was really scared. With my heart racing and the email done, I tried hard to go to sleep. I think by 4am I was able to. I woke up the next day alive. I walked downstairs and was about to go right, through the front foyer door, when I happened to glance quickly to the left and back to the right and then a very quick look back to the left. My grandmother's door to her room was closed. I not only had the phone in my hand the night before, but also my plate. I did not close that door. In addition to that, it was a very old door with a crystal knob that you either had to slam it to shut it tight, or pull it and turn the knob in a particular direction to make it close. I did not do that. My heart was racing.
I proceeded to go through the 2 foyer doors to the kitchen. It was a shiny Jan. 30th winter's day. 2012. I decided to eat and then call my boys. I had my computer open as well and had put a pizza in the oven. While I was on the phone with Cory, sitting at the kitchen table, the power went out. I was saying hello, hello and it was gone. Just at that exact same moment there was huge amounts of thick smoke billowing out of the wall oven. I ran over to it and got a oven mitt and took out my pizza. As I was holding onto the pizza about to walk it outside because of all the thick smoke, the tv came on in the family room. Now I had no power, a smoking pizza in my hand and the tv blaring in the other room. I set the pizza down on the stovetop and walked quickly into the family room. The tv was indeed on. At that moment I knew. My grandma was there. She had done ALL of this. With a half smile on my face and a tear of joy, I took a moment to look at the chair she always sat in the 9 months I was caregiving for her. I then turned the tv off in complete awe of all that had happened.
I now knew that all the noise I heard earlier that day at 3am was in fact my grandmother in the house. That she somewhere closed the door, and that she made the oven that hadn't worked all week very hot suddenly become extremely hot. My uncle Mike arrived home shortly after all this commotion. The power came on a few minutes later. I asked him if he had come home the night before for any reason whatsoever. The doors were locked and he said no he had not. I then proceeded to tell him this crazy story and I'm not sure what he thought of it. I also asked him if a tv that is off...if it can go on when the power goes out. He said no. Wow. Just wow. I went for the longest walk I had ever gone on with such a feeling of pure joy.
I was called by my uncle Kelly and warned that my grandma had fallen out of her bed friday and was not doing well...this was sunday or so. By tuesday I got a call that he didn't know if she would make it through the night. I was fresh out of the shower when I got the call. I called Westjet immediately and needed to leave within 5 min. to get to Comox to make the flight. I packed so fast and left with wet hair. I spent every day from that night till Sunday with her. I stayed at her house with my divorced uncle Mike who had been living with her for a number of years. I ate on her bed and that is where I would talk to Ben every night. I cooked in her oven which I noticed was never getting hot anymore and could barely heat up my food. Saturday night at the hospital I noticed she had very little urine and she had a fever. I asked the nurse about it. It became very clear she probably wouldn't make it through the night. My sister overheard this and decided to stay all night with my brother there. Of course my grandma waited till 8am to pass away when everyone had just left the room for a moment.
So it is Sunday now and I got the call immediately. I got myself ready with Mike and we picked up Janine and we went to the hospital. I had been very strong up to this point but now I wailed. Into my hands as I was all alone. I pulled out the bible and read the famous Psalm 63 I believe...the one anyone knows. It was an odd day. We all went into a lounge and just kind of let it all soak in. All devastated by the loss of the matriarch of our family. Our key connection. My sister at least had her girls there. I was all alone. Janine offered me her shoulder.
That night Mike had to go pick up his other daughter from the airport and for the first night since I had been there, he stayed at her house. I was all alone. I called Ben and told him. Like always, I sat on her bed and ate. I then went upstairs to sleep. I had my door closed. Around 3am I was writing Ben an email as I couldn't sleep and was getting frustrated. Then I started hearing sounds. My heart beat faster. I wrote at that exact time about what I was hearing in the email. I was scared to open the door. It was quite noisy. I was really scared. With my heart racing and the email done, I tried hard to go to sleep. I think by 4am I was able to. I woke up the next day alive. I walked downstairs and was about to go right, through the front foyer door, when I happened to glance quickly to the left and back to the right and then a very quick look back to the left. My grandmother's door to her room was closed. I not only had the phone in my hand the night before, but also my plate. I did not close that door. In addition to that, it was a very old door with a crystal knob that you either had to slam it to shut it tight, or pull it and turn the knob in a particular direction to make it close. I did not do that. My heart was racing.
I proceeded to go through the 2 foyer doors to the kitchen. It was a shiny Jan. 30th winter's day. 2012. I decided to eat and then call my boys. I had my computer open as well and had put a pizza in the oven. While I was on the phone with Cory, sitting at the kitchen table, the power went out. I was saying hello, hello and it was gone. Just at that exact same moment there was huge amounts of thick smoke billowing out of the wall oven. I ran over to it and got a oven mitt and took out my pizza. As I was holding onto the pizza about to walk it outside because of all the thick smoke, the tv came on in the family room. Now I had no power, a smoking pizza in my hand and the tv blaring in the other room. I set the pizza down on the stovetop and walked quickly into the family room. The tv was indeed on. At that moment I knew. My grandma was there. She had done ALL of this. With a half smile on my face and a tear of joy, I took a moment to look at the chair she always sat in the 9 months I was caregiving for her. I then turned the tv off in complete awe of all that had happened.
I now knew that all the noise I heard earlier that day at 3am was in fact my grandmother in the house. That she somewhere closed the door, and that she made the oven that hadn't worked all week very hot suddenly become extremely hot. My uncle Mike arrived home shortly after all this commotion. The power came on a few minutes later. I asked him if he had come home the night before for any reason whatsoever. The doors were locked and he said no he had not. I then proceeded to tell him this crazy story and I'm not sure what he thought of it. I also asked him if a tv that is off...if it can go on when the power goes out. He said no. Wow. Just wow. I went for the longest walk I had ever gone on with such a feeling of pure joy.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
A BIG Change
I have been updating this as I didn't realize I hadn't put all the ones on my FB posts on here. So I put the dates so that I will remember when I wrote them. Because I made all these public, I have left out one teeny, tiny...actually WHOPPING detail. I have NEVER been happy in my marriage. Never. You read the soulmate story. Well, we have struggled constantly. We have not shared a bed for the majority of our marriage. I was just too hopeful that it would turn itself around. I never told anyone but a few select people. I never searched for other men. It wasn't about that. I was trying to do the right Christian thing. I was trying to make this work no matter what.
But, since turning 43 and going through my raw food cleanse, I have decided I cannot live this lie. Even if it means it is truly difficult for me. I realized I was only holding onto Kevin to have him help me with housework and the kids. THis is wrong. There is no marriage. And for me, there has never been love. I trusted on God that day way back when that he chose him on that day that I had the blind date with him. I have grown and learnt a lot, but I feel my life has never had flow to it. I have struggled unnecessarily. I am doing this for the kids and myself. Shylo said she felt a heart chakra blockage. She asked if he ever had heart trauma...wow...just like what I had read about people getting arthritis and other ailments due to such a thing. I told her emphatically yes! Then I told her about the impending divorce. I am feeling SO freeing with all this as I meet amazing people and am FINALLY being real and true and AUTHENTIC!! Wow!!! What a feeling! I am seriously on cloud nine with this. I don't even fear the challenges to come. I will cope. God will provide. He always, always does in magnificent ways. He already has.
In a very peculiar chain of events I have someone to correspond with currently. Someone who warms my heart beyond belief. Someone who is giving me faith, hope and love. What more could I ask. I am being cautioned by well meaning friends, but I feel that he is sincere. We seem to have a lot of life dreams and goals and work ethic and desires in common. We are both passionate souls. We are both compassionate and sensitive souls. I am in awe. I am just enjoying the moment and not worrying about the future. I want to make it VERY clear that I did NOT meet him till AFTER Kevin told me at the beach one day that this was over and he was leaving for the month of October. Then Michael face booked me and I was well aware of the new love in his life, but he shared with me that they met on match.com. I decided to go on. I waited till I had 4 emails before paying to see what they said.
Little did I know that one little email from a well-intentioned soul would lead to where it has. I have no idea where this will go, but right now I have fallen pretty heavy. I will be ok if it just doesn't work out. Ok, that is a lie. I would be completely devasted if it doesn't work out. But...I would, like always get over it. BUt...here is the next interesting clincher. I had asked God when I turned 43 to provide me with a man who was a GOOD communicator foremost, caring, sensitive, compassionate, has tact, passionate in and out of bed, driven, hard-working, good role model for my children, easy going, not into sports and not a big social butterfly whose time I have to share constantly...and I got that. All that and more. I sure changed what I thought was important from 20 yrs ago. THat is why I am so certain this WILL work! I asked God!! He BLOWS my mind!! He truly answers prayers!! He is SO in my life I can barely speak. I am in awe and moved. And to THINK that Michael was a conduit for me meeting this man. What an interesting story. I SO love my stories!! Life is like a puzzle that eventually has all the pieces come together. I stayed with a man I didn't love and now I am already in love with this one and I have never met him. But if he is all he says he is, then he has my heart. There is no doubt about it. We seem to want the same things. I had such butterflies and at church last sunday Sandy prayed over my situation and my butterflies went away instantly. God just baffles me. I have been calm ever since and simply high on God.
And just a little extra to this story...I took a Laughter Yoga class and we played this game where we had to pull cards out of a deck and say out loud what it was with a phrase at the end. THe group chose 'in the bedroom'. My card said this..."You will meet your soul mate in the next 60 days"...in the bedroom. OK the bedroom thing was just fun, but the soul mate part blew my mind!!! And being the 2 passionate souls we are, I think we will quite enjoy the time 'in the bedroom' once we get to know each other. He is a lovely build. Strong. He says he could pin me down wrestling...I told him I know self defence and can get out of any move...we shall see. Oh the fun. His biggest desire is to have a long, deep committed relationship and that is mine as well. He even wants to tour the US by bike. I still have all my cycle-touring gear. He wants to travel Europe esp. Italy. SHelley and Eddie and Tammy and Peter just got back from there and enticed me so about it. He likes camping and fishing and traveling backroads...so do I. He loves sunset with a lover...sunsets are my favourite. I am just so blessed.
But, since turning 43 and going through my raw food cleanse, I have decided I cannot live this lie. Even if it means it is truly difficult for me. I realized I was only holding onto Kevin to have him help me with housework and the kids. THis is wrong. There is no marriage. And for me, there has never been love. I trusted on God that day way back when that he chose him on that day that I had the blind date with him. I have grown and learnt a lot, but I feel my life has never had flow to it. I have struggled unnecessarily. I am doing this for the kids and myself. Shylo said she felt a heart chakra blockage. She asked if he ever had heart trauma...wow...just like what I had read about people getting arthritis and other ailments due to such a thing. I told her emphatically yes! Then I told her about the impending divorce. I am feeling SO freeing with all this as I meet amazing people and am FINALLY being real and true and AUTHENTIC!! Wow!!! What a feeling! I am seriously on cloud nine with this. I don't even fear the challenges to come. I will cope. God will provide. He always, always does in magnificent ways. He already has.
In a very peculiar chain of events I have someone to correspond with currently. Someone who warms my heart beyond belief. Someone who is giving me faith, hope and love. What more could I ask. I am being cautioned by well meaning friends, but I feel that he is sincere. We seem to have a lot of life dreams and goals and work ethic and desires in common. We are both passionate souls. We are both compassionate and sensitive souls. I am in awe. I am just enjoying the moment and not worrying about the future. I want to make it VERY clear that I did NOT meet him till AFTER Kevin told me at the beach one day that this was over and he was leaving for the month of October. Then Michael face booked me and I was well aware of the new love in his life, but he shared with me that they met on match.com. I decided to go on. I waited till I had 4 emails before paying to see what they said.
Little did I know that one little email from a well-intentioned soul would lead to where it has. I have no idea where this will go, but right now I have fallen pretty heavy. I will be ok if it just doesn't work out. Ok, that is a lie. I would be completely devasted if it doesn't work out. But...I would, like always get over it. BUt...here is the next interesting clincher. I had asked God when I turned 43 to provide me with a man who was a GOOD communicator foremost, caring, sensitive, compassionate, has tact, passionate in and out of bed, driven, hard-working, good role model for my children, easy going, not into sports and not a big social butterfly whose time I have to share constantly...and I got that. All that and more. I sure changed what I thought was important from 20 yrs ago. THat is why I am so certain this WILL work! I asked God!! He BLOWS my mind!! He truly answers prayers!! He is SO in my life I can barely speak. I am in awe and moved. And to THINK that Michael was a conduit for me meeting this man. What an interesting story. I SO love my stories!! Life is like a puzzle that eventually has all the pieces come together. I stayed with a man I didn't love and now I am already in love with this one and I have never met him. But if he is all he says he is, then he has my heart. There is no doubt about it. We seem to want the same things. I had such butterflies and at church last sunday Sandy prayed over my situation and my butterflies went away instantly. God just baffles me. I have been calm ever since and simply high on God.
And just a little extra to this story...I took a Laughter Yoga class and we played this game where we had to pull cards out of a deck and say out loud what it was with a phrase at the end. THe group chose 'in the bedroom'. My card said this..."You will meet your soul mate in the next 60 days"...in the bedroom. OK the bedroom thing was just fun, but the soul mate part blew my mind!!! And being the 2 passionate souls we are, I think we will quite enjoy the time 'in the bedroom' once we get to know each other. He is a lovely build. Strong. He says he could pin me down wrestling...I told him I know self defence and can get out of any move...we shall see. Oh the fun. His biggest desire is to have a long, deep committed relationship and that is mine as well. He even wants to tour the US by bike. I still have all my cycle-touring gear. He wants to travel Europe esp. Italy. SHelley and Eddie and Tammy and Peter just got back from there and enticed me so about it. He likes camping and fishing and traveling backroads...so do I. He loves sunset with a lover...sunsets are my favourite. I am just so blessed.
Reflections
Friday, June 3, 2011 at 11:43pm
Upon reflection on our one year of no home ownership and simple living and traveling, I have learnt a few things. I had dreamed of owning nothing for years and just traveling. I also however, had an equally conflicting dream of having a homestead property and a large family and being self-reliant. Canning, pickling, fermenting, growing, etc. etc. To have two equally opposing dreams is quite challenging. In addition to that, I wanted to go to a 3rd world country to live. I always trusted however that ultimately God would decide my route. And boy has He!! I had one idea for our 1 year off, and He had another. Turned out to be a caregiving, helping time. Which, I have always wanted to do in my heart anyways and as challenging as it was, it was the MOST fulfilling thing to do. Helping my grandma and my aunt and my son and visiting many people and trying to bring people together for parties. When that was taken care of and we were on our way, all was good. Seeing new things is very exciting and awakens the senses.
Challenge is, especially with an ill child, that life still goes on in a very small space and is harder work than in a house. I was finding I wasn't enjoying the small space as much as I thought I would. I DID love meeting all the new people however. So many like-minded people were at Sam's where many people come for ailments and who just have open minds to alternative ways to live life. So many great conversations while hanging out in the hot tubs half naked. Loved the heat, the new smells, the views, the new sounds of the birds...but, after awhile, it all becomes routine and the daily tasks that are harder in a small space, take extra long to do. You think because you have less space, that you have more time...for some reason, this is not true. There was lots of time to reflect on wants and needs of the whole family. Which new directions to take. Always having Cory and the children as our #1 priority over any personal needs and desires.
Returning to Canada and exploring different areas for living. Do we go back to Edmonton near old friends and family? Do we try out the Okanagan? Do we go back to Grand Forks or some other small BC town? We said we wouldn't go back to the island....hmmmm...So here we sit. Back on the island. Determined to go somewhere new like Duncan or Courtenay/Comox spending days looking for houses, I happened across my post office manager who suggested Coombs. What??!! I never thought...so I find a house online and I just KNEW that was it...I felt something with it. I had seen hundreds online and they were all blah, blah, blah. No character, no charm, no calling. This one, with the alpaca neighbor, just felt right. I didn't think we would spend 9 mos. of our year off caregiving...but God had other ideas. I didn't think we would end after a year and buy a house right back where we came from...but it just feels right. I love my Naked Naturals, and the Art Gallery and my Quality Foods, Amrikkos East Indian, and the Thai restaurant with my favorite Phad Sauce dish, and Coombs, and the beach and the small town feel, and the library, and Cathedral Grove and Qualicum Beach and the friendly people and familiar faces and proximity to Tofino and Nanaimo and Courtenay, yet nestled away on our own land to create our own work in creative ways.
Close to Vancouver and Bellingham where new friends can be visited easily. I truly love the Island and I now have travel out of my system. I just want to get back to creating things, healing us sickies, with big dreams now of creating healthful-living retreats and growing most of our food. Who knows what the winter will bring and if we will just cosy up to one of our two fireplaces, or if we will fly off somewhere sunny for a part of it. All I know, is that as difficult as it sometimes was, it was equally rewarding and SO much was learnt and discovered in this year that helped to clarify the direction of my life now. This newfound focus and desire will help to create wonderful things. I will no longer have this dual-dream. You must choose a dream and DO IT!! Just DO IT! Only then can you create another dream...and another...and another! I learnt early on to take alot of free time to seemingly stare into space and do nothing. But this is when I am most productive. This is when I am dreaming and creating and fine-tuning and deciding the importance of goals in my life and which goals need precedence etc. My planning course in Rec. Admin. turned out to be one of the best I took. He taught me how to plan and how to ACT on the plan. That no plan is a plan without the last and most important step: ACTION!! He says this is where the majority of people fail. They get a goal and objectives and go through all that with a mission statement, but then...kaput. I am happy that I took that course in that he taught me to do the final step. To act on my dreams and to do what I want. It is only then can one achieve absolute and complete happiness.
I studied karate, traveled to Ireland to see birthplace of my grandfather, became a top selling travel agent and got to see Bahamas and Jamaica and the high end resorts there. Got every animal you can get, had 3 children, got married, bike toured extensively and soared down a mtn. pass at 75km/hr, saw the sunrise on Haleakala Crater, achieved honors and multiple grants and scholarships, achieved the highest mark ever given by the Dean of Recreation Administration for a research paper, got top sales as an insurance rep. in 3 categories, designed bike paths in Spruce Grove, volunteered for the sexual assault center, went to Quebec for 6 wks to learn french, learnt to sea kayak, learnt to rock climb, ran 2.5 hrs. straight just because, saved my mom's life because I took the time to take a first aid course, taught self defence and taught women empowerment and how to break boards, befriended immigrants and helped them integrate into society, laughed lots, met a couple soul-mates in my time, both female and male, sold everything I owned, risked everything many times, toured most of the US.
All this despite a life of being beaten, told I was stupid and worthless, and feeling completely rejected and unloved for pretty much the first 30 yrs. and losing my mom at a young age...probably THE toughest thing of all.. I think we all need to go through and do a list like this as it shows you how many of your dreams you have accomplished, despite any shortcomings, and if not dreams, then how many positive things you have done in your life and what you have yet to do. For me that would include being an inspiration to others, curing Cory and myself and then helping others, teaching about health, living a life in synch. with simple living and healthy lifestyle, increasing my fitness level, getting involved with immigrants again, doing japanese homestays again, opening my house up to travelers again, landlording again, learning spanish and japanese, learning healthy and delicious recipes, building a cob oven and wall outside, learning about permaculture, meeting many new like-minded people, biking more again, visiting the OUR ecovillage in Shawnigan for a workshop, doing a cob workshop, doing a raw food workshop, continue to find dimes that inspire me beyond words, give more and want less, staying true to my values of minimalism and no unnecessary consumption, love unconditionally...SO many things, always changing, being completed, so exciting. Life should NEVER be boring. Even the most mundane tasks of homemaking are never a bore with children around. I am so grateful to God for all this year, and my life as a whole, has taught me and am SO excited about the year to come.
Upon reflection on our one year of no home ownership and simple living and traveling, I have learnt a few things. I had dreamed of owning nothing for years and just traveling. I also however, had an equally conflicting dream of having a homestead property and a large family and being self-reliant. Canning, pickling, fermenting, growing, etc. etc. To have two equally opposing dreams is quite challenging. In addition to that, I wanted to go to a 3rd world country to live. I always trusted however that ultimately God would decide my route. And boy has He!! I had one idea for our 1 year off, and He had another. Turned out to be a caregiving, helping time. Which, I have always wanted to do in my heart anyways and as challenging as it was, it was the MOST fulfilling thing to do. Helping my grandma and my aunt and my son and visiting many people and trying to bring people together for parties. When that was taken care of and we were on our way, all was good. Seeing new things is very exciting and awakens the senses.
Challenge is, especially with an ill child, that life still goes on in a very small space and is harder work than in a house. I was finding I wasn't enjoying the small space as much as I thought I would. I DID love meeting all the new people however. So many like-minded people were at Sam's where many people come for ailments and who just have open minds to alternative ways to live life. So many great conversations while hanging out in the hot tubs half naked. Loved the heat, the new smells, the views, the new sounds of the birds...but, after awhile, it all becomes routine and the daily tasks that are harder in a small space, take extra long to do. You think because you have less space, that you have more time...for some reason, this is not true. There was lots of time to reflect on wants and needs of the whole family. Which new directions to take. Always having Cory and the children as our #1 priority over any personal needs and desires.
Returning to Canada and exploring different areas for living. Do we go back to Edmonton near old friends and family? Do we try out the Okanagan? Do we go back to Grand Forks or some other small BC town? We said we wouldn't go back to the island....hmmmm...So here we sit. Back on the island. Determined to go somewhere new like Duncan or Courtenay/Comox spending days looking for houses, I happened across my post office manager who suggested Coombs. What??!! I never thought...so I find a house online and I just KNEW that was it...I felt something with it. I had seen hundreds online and they were all blah, blah, blah. No character, no charm, no calling. This one, with the alpaca neighbor, just felt right. I didn't think we would spend 9 mos. of our year off caregiving...but God had other ideas. I didn't think we would end after a year and buy a house right back where we came from...but it just feels right. I love my Naked Naturals, and the Art Gallery and my Quality Foods, Amrikkos East Indian, and the Thai restaurant with my favorite Phad Sauce dish, and Coombs, and the beach and the small town feel, and the library, and Cathedral Grove and Qualicum Beach and the friendly people and familiar faces and proximity to Tofino and Nanaimo and Courtenay, yet nestled away on our own land to create our own work in creative ways.
Close to Vancouver and Bellingham where new friends can be visited easily. I truly love the Island and I now have travel out of my system. I just want to get back to creating things, healing us sickies, with big dreams now of creating healthful-living retreats and growing most of our food. Who knows what the winter will bring and if we will just cosy up to one of our two fireplaces, or if we will fly off somewhere sunny for a part of it. All I know, is that as difficult as it sometimes was, it was equally rewarding and SO much was learnt and discovered in this year that helped to clarify the direction of my life now. This newfound focus and desire will help to create wonderful things. I will no longer have this dual-dream. You must choose a dream and DO IT!! Just DO IT! Only then can you create another dream...and another...and another! I learnt early on to take alot of free time to seemingly stare into space and do nothing. But this is when I am most productive. This is when I am dreaming and creating and fine-tuning and deciding the importance of goals in my life and which goals need precedence etc. My planning course in Rec. Admin. turned out to be one of the best I took. He taught me how to plan and how to ACT on the plan. That no plan is a plan without the last and most important step: ACTION!! He says this is where the majority of people fail. They get a goal and objectives and go through all that with a mission statement, but then...kaput. I am happy that I took that course in that he taught me to do the final step. To act on my dreams and to do what I want. It is only then can one achieve absolute and complete happiness.
I studied karate, traveled to Ireland to see birthplace of my grandfather, became a top selling travel agent and got to see Bahamas and Jamaica and the high end resorts there. Got every animal you can get, had 3 children, got married, bike toured extensively and soared down a mtn. pass at 75km/hr, saw the sunrise on Haleakala Crater, achieved honors and multiple grants and scholarships, achieved the highest mark ever given by the Dean of Recreation Administration for a research paper, got top sales as an insurance rep. in 3 categories, designed bike paths in Spruce Grove, volunteered for the sexual assault center, went to Quebec for 6 wks to learn french, learnt to sea kayak, learnt to rock climb, ran 2.5 hrs. straight just because, saved my mom's life because I took the time to take a first aid course, taught self defence and taught women empowerment and how to break boards, befriended immigrants and helped them integrate into society, laughed lots, met a couple soul-mates in my time, both female and male, sold everything I owned, risked everything many times, toured most of the US.
All this despite a life of being beaten, told I was stupid and worthless, and feeling completely rejected and unloved for pretty much the first 30 yrs. and losing my mom at a young age...probably THE toughest thing of all.. I think we all need to go through and do a list like this as it shows you how many of your dreams you have accomplished, despite any shortcomings, and if not dreams, then how many positive things you have done in your life and what you have yet to do. For me that would include being an inspiration to others, curing Cory and myself and then helping others, teaching about health, living a life in synch. with simple living and healthy lifestyle, increasing my fitness level, getting involved with immigrants again, doing japanese homestays again, opening my house up to travelers again, landlording again, learning spanish and japanese, learning healthy and delicious recipes, building a cob oven and wall outside, learning about permaculture, meeting many new like-minded people, biking more again, visiting the OUR ecovillage in Shawnigan for a workshop, doing a cob workshop, doing a raw food workshop, continue to find dimes that inspire me beyond words, give more and want less, staying true to my values of minimalism and no unnecessary consumption, love unconditionally...SO many things, always changing, being completed, so exciting. Life should NEVER be boring. Even the most mundane tasks of homemaking are never a bore with children around. I am so grateful to God for all this year, and my life as a whole, has taught me and am SO excited about the year to come.
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