Forgiveness

How is it one decides when to forgive someone.  The Amish are amazing at this as we all know from the fairly recent story about the man who came into their school and killed their children.  It took me 21 years to forgive my father...but I finally did.  I was simply ready.  I had wanted to for a long time, but was missing one thing...an apology from him.  An apology for beating my mom, an apology for beating us, an apology for all the emotional abuse, an apology for my messed up life it all left me with, an apology for ultimately the death of my mother.  
 
I couldn't get over the thought that IF I did forgive him, I would be making a statement to my mother that I was OK that she was dead.  And I just couldn't do it...I wanted to, but I simply couldn't.  Until finally I was simply ready.  Then the confirmation.  The day after I decided that I was not in fact hurting my mother by forgiving my father.  I bought a book at a garage sale called the Ten Commandments by Laura somebody.  When I opened the book, I opened right to the page about the story of a girl, now in her 30's, who struggled with forgiving her father for all the evil he had caused in her life without ever getting the apology.  Its amazing how much that apology really helps.  But she did it anyway and she never did get an apology (nor have I yet in the 5 yrs of reconnecting).  Her father ended up dying and she was SO happy that she forgave him.  I seriously couldn't believe that I had opened this book right to this story at such a critical time in my life.  It absolutely affirmed what I was about to do.  It was a process of course with my aunt setting up the initial meeting after I just called him up one day.  
 
This was someone who used to beat us all up!  This was someone I feared more than anything!  This was someone who scared me so much I would shake just seeing him drive home everyday from work, never knowing what I should be doing...not that it mattered because whatever it was, it was the wrong thing and he yelled, and yelled and criticized and called my stupid over and over and over again.  But I survived the first meeting and we started talking on the phone sporadically.  Ironically, it was right around the time my son started getting sick.  And I must say, he has probably turned out to be my strongest support network!!  It has taken time and has been a process, but he is the only person who actually calls to talk to the boys and wants to hear all the latest and really cares.  Well, I do have a dear friend Jennifer that God put in my life...but that will be another discussion.  
 
When I recently told my friend's mother briefly about my father and how I forgave him, she couldn't believe it.  She said she couldn't do it.  Kevin had a hard time with it too for a long time.  I said it is what God wants.  And it is part of the healing journey and I haven't regretted it for one minute.  My dad had his own previous issues.  My mother paid a dear price for it, and perhaps one day he will apologize, but I am not expecting it and we will continue to avoid any talk of the past unless he chooses.  For now, I can appreciate a new relationship based on this forgiveness.  I have no doubt that it is exactly what God wants for me...He reaffirmed it with the book and my turning right to that story before even buying it.  We must all risk and learn to forgive.  I lost my mother, and I forgave the man who led her there.