The Story I don't Get

This one really has evaded my comprehension.  The final years when my mother was sick I was quite frustrated.  The brunt of her illness and aid was put on me.  I didn't want it!  I wanted a mother, not to BE a mother.  So I used to come home to grandmas angry after I dealt with her doing something or another and I would imagine the day I would come home from work and all the cars would be in the driveway and grandpa would tell me that my mother had died.  Then I would cry and cry for thinking such a horrible thought.  Its just that I was so tired of dealing with her illness and the doctors and her sporadic tendancies and everyone relied on me for everything.  First I had my childhood taken away, and now I was getting my teen years and early adult years taken away too.  I was not happy with God!  There were some good times in there and remarkably I laughed alot through this time, but the burden was there.  I didn't talk about my life much.  It was much too embarrasing and complicated so few knew what I had going on.  Mental illness is not exactly acceptable like cancer or diabetes.  

Many times did I repeat this thought process of how I would hear the news of my mother's death.  I would never know how or why she died, I would just envision how I would hear the news, and then cry and feel guilty for thinking it.  Well, the day finally came.  The day I put that quarter into my pant pockets and drove home to grandmas.  As I drove down the long driveway, I noticed everyone's cars were there.  As I parked the car, I saw my grandpa looking out the window.  As I got out of the car and walked into the house, I saw everyone in the kitchen and no one was even breathing.  My grandpa took me into the family room and told me my mom died last night.  I shrieked.  I caused it!  I had played this exact scenario over and over again in my mind and this time it was real!  What on earth had I done!  The guilt was unbelievable.  Did I cause my mother's death by envisioning this?   As my friend Patti and I used to say all the time to only laugh after, 'I don't get it'...only this time, I wasn't laughing.